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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that physical education classes are an important part of a child's education. Others believe that it is more important to focus on academics during school time. Discuss both these views, and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, many
schools
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 are adding physical
subjects
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 to a student's learning program.
Although
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 many individuals believe that academics play a crucial role in a child's growth.
While
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 others say that physical
study
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 is
also
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 an essential part of their education. In my opinion, physical classes are beneficial for every student. Some people think that physical
sports
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 activities should be included
along with
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 the regular
study
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subjects
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 because outdoor
sports
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 help students to keep physically fit at a very early age, it allows them to reduce the chances of serious illness.
For instance
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,
according to
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 the research of the American Society of Education, every child has a good fitness level when
sports
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 classes are a compulsory rule in primary and high
schools
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.
Moreover
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, if they do more hard work and are more curious about physical
subjects
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, it can
also
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 be beneficial to choose a career in a particular
sports
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 game, like cricket, football, and tennis.
This
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 is because they can get the right exposure and chance to decide the best career as a sportsperson during school time. On the other
side
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hand
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, many people give the opinion that academic courses are more important and
schools
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 should pay extra attention to them because it can be beneficial for every child to get the desired result in academic studies.
As a result
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, they can easily choose the career path in their favourite field of
study
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.
Furthermore
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, focusing only on
subjects
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 can
also
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 help them to gain enough knowledge from every course of
study
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.
For example
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, in India, many primary
schools
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 are only famous for their academic education because they follow a strict environment during
study
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 hours.
To conclude
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,
although
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 both sides present valid arguments, I believe that physical
sports
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 can provide relaxation to children from continuous
study
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and
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, and
show examples
 they can stay healthy.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more clear in each body part. Put one clear point first, then explain it.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words in a more careful way. Some lines start well, but a few joins are not smooth.
task achievement
Support your ideas with more exact examples. Your examples are good, but they need more detail.
task achievement
Answer all parts of the question in a more direct way. You discussed both views, but your opinion can be stronger in the body.
coherence cohesion
Check sentence form at the start. The first two lines are not fully correct, and this makes the message less clear.
task achievement
You discuss both views and give your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The topic stays on school, sport, and study, so your ideas are mostly on point.
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