IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial, perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what rneasures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

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Nowadays,
children
Use synonyms
 are facing more pressure from all
source
Fix the agreement mistake
sources
show examples
 of concerns like academic, social and commercial.
This
Linking Words
phenomanen
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 is caused by the respective stereotypes in our society
,
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apply
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 and
superficial
Correct article usage
the superficial
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expectation
Fix the agreement mistake
expectations
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 that families put on us.
Children
Use synonyms
becomes
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become
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 the centre under the spotlight when people start talking about the future pillars
in
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of
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 forming a greater world, being judged and saying words about their every decision or
goals
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goal
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. Yet there are measurements
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
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 be done.
First,
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 who have more life experiences and more mature mindsets should create and warm and safe environment
in
Change preposition
by
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 letting their
children
Use synonyms
 unleash their creativity and express their wants, so that they
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 find home a safe space to be their own without any pressure.
Also
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should not judge the opinion of their
children
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, despite being overwhelming or out of the blue,
parents
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 should keep appreciative and encouraging towards their ideas, as showing support and respect could let them feel seen which could boost their self-confidence.
Second,
Linking Words
schools could hold more interactive group activities, to give an atmosphere of togetherness, where students can form groups and find companionship indicating that
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 are not alone
facing
Change preposition
in facing
show examples
 these pressures. Working together in groups, allows adolescents to share
respective
Correct pronoun usage
their respective
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 ideas and learn from one another,
this
Linking Words
 fosters interpersonal relationships which is an opportunity for social benefits.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, extending to our society, we should avoid using labels or categories to stereotype different
children
Use synonyms
 with her own desires.
For example
Linking Words
, in Asian countries, becoming a doctor is
such
Linking Words
 a pride in the country
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and a brag moment for
parents
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 label of becoming a doctor will gain attention and appraisal
leads
Wrong verb form
leading
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 to
diminishing
Correct article usage
the diminishing
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
self-esteem
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 other
chilren
Correct your spelling
children
 who might want to pursue their own dreams. Yet our society should work as a safe space and let kids acknowledge that everyone is unique and has their own
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
show examples
, so there is no need to compete with others. Importantly, feel free to be themselves, there is no pressure to rush.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clearer logical structure by organizing your ideas into distinct paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the issue.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to enhance the relevance and depth of your argument.
task achievement
Refine the clarity of the ideas by avoiding long or run-on sentences, which can hinder understanding.
task achievement
You have effectively identified the main sources of pressure on children from academic, social, and commercial perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and a reasonable conclusion, which help in framing the discussion.
task achievement
The suggestions provided, such as parental support and school activities, are relevant solutions to the discussed problems.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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