Schools should only offer subjects that are beneficial to students’ future career success. Other subjects, such as music and sports, are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schools #offer #subjects #students’ #future #career #success #music #sports

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It is an undeniable fact that the variety of subjects taught in school is a hot topic of discussion. Some believe that certain subjects,

such

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as mathematics and economics, are more beneficial than others.

However

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, I partially agree with

this

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view

due to

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the importance of music and sports in the development of other areas of the brain.

This

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essay will discuss the supporting reasons for my opinion. First of all, it is an undeniable fact that careers

such

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as those of mathematicians and finance professionals are more appreciated and widely recognized as high-paying jobs.

For example

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, a junior consultant at a Big Four accounting firm in Indonesia earns twice the minimum wage.

Hence

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, people are keen to focus more on subjects related to the accounting field.

However

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, the advancement of technology suggests

otherwise

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and has opened up enormous opportunities for creative professionals.

For instance

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, the development of e-commerce has had a significant impact on creative workers, enabling them to sell their products.

Moreover

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, sportswear brands,

such

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as Nike and Adidas, see huge opportunities through advertising their products by supporting athletes.

For example

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, Naomi Osaka has become one of the biggest brand ambassadors for Nike.

Therefore

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, professional players should not be afraid of earning small amounts of money

initially

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To sum up

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, I agree that fixed professions,

such

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as doctors and lawyers, make a lot of money, but that doesn't mean other professionals do not have equal opportunities.

Submitted by alifahrc on Thu Jan 16 2025

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task achievement

Clarify your stance more clearly. Highlight explicitly whether you agree or disagree with the notion that schools should only offer career-beneficial subjects. This will make your argument stronger and more persuasive.

coherence cohesion

Enhance the logical flow between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences that guide the reader through your thoughts. This will improve the coherence and holistic understanding of your essay.

coherence cohesion

Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear, distinct point that relates directly to your main argument. This will enhance the logical structure and make your points more compelling.

task achievement

The essay includes relevant and specific examples that illustrate the argument, such as e-commerce impact on creative workers and recognition of athletes through brands.

task achievement

You effectively present a balanced view, acknowledging the importance of diverse subjects besides traditional career-focused education.

coherence cohesion

The introduction presents the issue clearly, and the conclusion effectively sums up your points, reinforcing your stance.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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12
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meeting the goal of 7 or more
0
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 9.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

238 words

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Schools should only offer subjects that are beneficial to students’ future career success. Other subjects, such as music and sports, are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e. g. at home, when travelling, etc.). Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?

Large businesses have big budgets for marketing and promotion and as a result, people graviate towards buying their products. What problems does this cause? What could be done to encourage people to buy local products?

In the future all cars, buses and trucks will be driverless. The only people travelling inside these vehicles will be passengers. Do you think the advantages of driverless vehicles outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In many countries, there is a growing gap between the technical skills of younger people and those over the age of fifty. What problems does this cause, and what solutions could minimise the problems?