IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

#parents #children
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In many places around the world,
people
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 are choosing to follow a vegetarian
diet
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. The disadvantages are that
meat
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-related
businesses
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 are being badly impacted and it causes
protein
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 deficiency in
people
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. The advantages are that fewer
animals
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 are being butchered and it protects
people
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 from
meat
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 related
deceases
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay argues that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. On the one hand,
meat
Use synonyms
-related
businesses
Use synonyms
 are badly impacted. When
people
Use synonyms
 follow a vegetarian
diet
Use synonyms
, it decreases the demand for
meat
Use synonyms
, which forces
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
businesses
Use synonyms
 to lower
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
meat
Use synonyms
 prices. Another disadvantage is that vegetarian
people
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 develop
protein
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 deficiency.
That is
Linking Words
 to say that
meat
Use synonyms
 has significantly more
protein
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 than
vegetables
Use synonyms
, and it is difficult to consume a sufficient amount of
protein
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 just from
vegetables
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.
For example
Linking Words
, in Mumbai,
people
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 eat only vegetarian food and consume less
protein
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, and
this
Linking Words
 is the primary reason for their lethargy.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay believes that
people
Use synonyms
 can fulfil their daily
protein
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 needs from
vegetables
Use synonyms
 if they consume more nutritious
vegetables
Use synonyms
 every day.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a lesser
number
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 of
animals
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 are being killed. When
people
Use synonyms
 decide not to consume
meat
Use synonyms
, it plummets the demand, which results in
lesser
Correct article usage
a lesser
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
animals
Use synonyms
 killed. Another advantage is that vegetarian
people
Use synonyms
 are less prone to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
meat
Use synonyms
-related
deceases
Use synonyms
. A vegetarian
diet
Use synonyms
 prevents
people
Use synonyms
 from any
meat
Use synonyms
-related virus going inside the body and developing any sickness.
For example
Linking Words
, in Sudan,
people
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 don’t consume
meat
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 and the country has the lowest
number
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 of
people
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 with medical conditions. In my opinion, a vegetarian
diet
Use synonyms
 should be preferred because it prevents a person from many
deceases
Use synonyms
 in the long run. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 a vegetarian
diet
Use synonyms
 is not good for
meat
Use synonyms
-related
businesses
Use synonyms
 and
people
Use synonyms
 tend to develop
protein
Use synonyms
 deficiency, a lesser
number
Use synonyms
 of
animals
Use synonyms
 are being killed
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 prevents
people
Use synonyms
 from
meat
Use synonyms
-related
deceases
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay believes that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by bhat.shweta17 on

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on specific examples to support your points, as they currently lack depth.
task achievement
Maintain a clear focus on the vegetarian diet throughout without introducing tangential ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance logical flow by ensuring that each point transitions smoothly to the next.
task achievement
The essay clearly states a position on vegetarian diets and consistently supports this argument throughout.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear central idea, contributing to a well-structured response.
coherence and cohesion
Effective use of introductory and concluding sentences helps to frame the main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
What to do next:
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