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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that governments should change the way individuals live, while others believe they should choose the way themselves. Discuss these both points of view and give your opinion? (Discussion)

#people #governments #change #individuals #points #discussion
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People
Use synonyms
 live in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 by following the standards set by themselves, which has sparked a discussion
that
Change preposition
about
show examples
 whether it is a topic of personal choice and we must leave it to the
individuals
Change to a genitive case
individual's
individuals'
show examples
 discretion or
governments
Correct word choice
whether governments
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 should set certain norms to control
individual's
Change noun form
individual
show examples
living
Correct your spelling
loving
show examples
 ways.
Thus
Linking Words
 essay will delve into both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
aspects followed by my viewpoint.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, those who think that it is a matter of
masses
Fix the agreement mistake
mass
show examples
 choice opine that it is a reward
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 hardships that one faced in his life and he should be given the authority to decide how he will live. Indeed, if we look at our
society
Use synonyms
, some personalities have worked with utmost dedication throughout their life and earned a respectable place for them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is their choice
how
Change preposition
of how
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 they want to live.
Hence
Linking Words
,
me
Change the pronoun
I
show examples
 must allow
people
Use synonyms
 to choose their
way
Use synonyms
 of living.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, those who think that authorities should intervene assert that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
controlling
people
Use synonyms
's
living
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 will spread a message of equality in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
. In fact, if all residents are living in a predecided
way
Use synonyms
, it will reduce
Add an article
the
a
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sense of inequality in the
society
Use synonyms
. Because,
people
Use synonyms
 often get carried away with the luxurious lifestyle of others, and tend to lose focus in their career.
For example
Linking Words
, North Korea
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 has set strict laws on the
citizens
Change to a genitive case
citizen's
citizens'
show examples
 attire and
way
Use synonyms
 of living.
Thus
Linking Words
, it will be in
national
Add an article
the national
show examples
 interest if rulers decide how the residents will live. In my viewpoint, the latter approach could be fruitful for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 because it will send a message of equality and will encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to work in
nation's
Correct article usage
the nation's
show examples
 interest. To encapsulate,
nonetheless
Linking Words
, individuals who
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 worked hard their entire
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 should be allowed to
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
this
Linking Words
 decision but if governments decide the
way
Use synonyms
 of living it will promote equality and harmony in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by mrsdns on

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coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing coherence by involving smoother transitions between ideas. Consider using more linking phrases.
task achievement
Provide clearer, more comprehensive ideas. Develop your arguments with more depth and clarity.
task achievement
Use specific examples to strengthen your points. Currently, examples are somewhat vague.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion present, matching IELTS task requirements nicely.
task achievement
Overall task has been responded to completely, covering both points of view.
task achievement
Good attempt at integrating different perspectives in the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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