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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the popuation of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweight the disadvantages?

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Nowadays there is a predominant number of young
adults
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 rather than older
people
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.
This
Linking Words
 outnumbering of the younger
population
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 is extremely helpful for economic benefits, educational growth, and
upward
Correct article usage
the upward
show examples
 trend of the
population
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.
However
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, elderly
people
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 and
people
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 older than 26 are
also
Linking Words
 significant, because they are tremendously experienced in many economic sectors and usually hold high positions in companies and the demographic shortage of those
people
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 causes a lack of experienced professionals in a country. On the one hand, young
adults
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 are the most economically active
people
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, because they tend to spend an
enourmous
Correct your spelling
enormous
 amount of money on entertainment and activities in comparison with older
people
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.
Moreover
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, at
this
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 age the youth most often purchases personal properties and cars,
thus
Linking Words
 it makes
this
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 group of
people
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 the best contributors to the gross domestic product of a country, which expands the economic pie of the society.
Furtheremore
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Furthermore
,
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 generation of young
adults
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 is more likely to
enroll
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enrol
show examples
 at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
universities
,
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apply
show examples
 because nowadays it is more
avaliable
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available
valuable
 than ever before. It increases the number of educated individuals
,
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apply
show examples
 and contributes both to the economy and social stability. Eventually,
people
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 between the age of 18-26 from a demographic point of view are extremely significant for reproduction.
This
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 age is usually a peak of women's fertility and because of
this
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 more babies will be born, which will stabilize the demographic trend in the long term.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, older
people
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 are usually the richest stratum of the
population
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, because they are most experienced in their professional fields. These
people
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 are utterly demanded
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the huge corporations and transnational companies that look for
people
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 with a huge experience and working proficiency. The lack of
such
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people
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 indicates that there is an absence of potential professors, CEOs and leaders
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 can teach younger generations.
This
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also
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 threatens the labour market, because most of the participants are comprised of
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unexperienced young
people
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 with zero professional abilities and skills. In
conclsion
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conclusion
, the advantages of the given situation outweigh the disadvantages because young
adults
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 are the most significant contributors to the GPA, and they are
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 educated stratum of the
population
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 as well.
Also
Linking Words
, young
adults
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is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the main group of
people
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reproduction. In terms of disadvantages, older
people
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 are
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 experienced
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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, and
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
show examples
 of these
people
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 represents the lack of highly demanded and skillful workers.

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task achievement
Work on including more specific examples or data to solidify the arguments you make. For instance, mention specific economic contributions or educational trends to give more weight to your points.
task achievement
Be mindful of consistency in using the term "GPA" as it seems there is confusion with "GDP," which is gross domestic product. Clarifying terms will prevent misunderstandings.
coherence cohesion
Improve the flow between paragraphs by using more transition words and phrases. This will help connect ideas more smoothly from one paragraph to the next.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument clearly, showing a balanced viewpoint on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, giving the essay a structured beginning and end which encapsulate the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Logical arguments are made about the benefits of a younger population in terms of economic benefits and educational opportunities, linking back to the essay question well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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