IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Over the last few decades, the media has promoted the image of young thin women as being ideal. What problems has this caused? What solutions can you suggest to this issue?

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It is true that nowadays, a slim young woman is showcased as an ideal model through the media.
However
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,
this
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 trend causes several drawbacks to society, but I think, informing
people
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 about the
people
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 to like their body,
while
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 motivating them to achieve a healthy lifestyle, can tackle
this
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 challenge. on the one hand, introducing ideal pictures of women is often associated with various challenges.
Firstly
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, young women compare themselves with these high standards which
consequently
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 leads them to
doing
Change the verb form
do
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 risky surgeries to be fit and reach those high standards.
Secondly
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,
this
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 tending to perfectionism, brings various mental problems for individuals.
Otherwise
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, It can degrade the self-confidence
in
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of
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 females, which hinders them from
present
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being present
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 actively in Society.
Lastly
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, society, especially men may expect those high standards from their wives or girlfriends, which causes many interaction problems.
Nonetheless
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, I think
people
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 can be informed through many ways to be aware of the drawbacks of
this
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 ideal model. In school, young girls should learn that a healthy lifestyle would be the main extent of their happiness in their life, not just posing a special weight, or
apparent
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appearance
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.
In addition
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, communication can play a crucial role in avoiding creating discontent in females.
For example
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, stop
the
Correct article usage
apply
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judging
about
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apply
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their appearance,
Correct word choice
and hinder
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hinder
Wrong verb form
hindering
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 them
to do
Verb problem
from
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 many surgeries.
Moreover
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, media and books not only can promote healthy lifestyles among
people
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, but
also
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raiseawareness
Correct your spelling
raise awareness
 about the risks of cosmetic surgeries to
people
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. In conclusion,
Although
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 showcasing the images of young thin women as fine models can cause many problems, in my view, governments, communities, and the media can take measures to handle
this
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 problem.

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from using specific, real-world examples or studies to support the arguments presented. This would strengthen the task achievement score.
task achievement
Be sure to more clearly clarify some of the advice given. For example, how the media and schools can specifically work together to create awareness.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction does properly set up the essay by recognizing the issues at hand and hinting at solutions, it could better summarize these points.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words like 'therefore,' 'however,' and 'moreover' effectively to smoothly navigate between points and sections—this enhances logical progression.
task achievement
The essay addresses both parts of the question, discussing the problems and suggesting solutions.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Good use of connecting words like 'firstly,' 'secondly,' and 'lastly,' which help to organize the main points.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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