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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. 

The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. 
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The line graph shows how many
books
Use synonyms
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 read at the Burnaby Public Library. The graph is set from 2011 to 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, there was an increase in the
number
Use synonyms
 of
books
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 read by
men
Use synonyms
 in the end,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 had a decrease in the
number
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 of
books
Use synonyms
 read in the year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2014.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in 2011, the
number
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 of
books
Use synonyms
 read by
women
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were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 more than
men
Use synonyms
, with five thousand of them over
men
Use synonyms
, who were only three thousand, a two thousand difference. Afterwards, in the year of 2012,
both
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
books
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 read by the two genders increased steadily, but the
number
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 of
books
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 read by
women
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were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 still above
men
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, when going to 2013, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
books
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 read by
men
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 had a
significantly
Change the adverb
significant
show examples
 increase and reached the same
number
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 of
books
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 read by
women
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 as they have increased too.
Finally
Linking Words
, in 2014,
while
Linking Words
 the amount of
books
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 read by
men
Use synonyms
 kept increasing, the amount read by
women
Use synonyms
 decreased and became lower than the
men
Use synonyms
's

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 82%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words books, men, women, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 4 times.
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