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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In many countries, the amount of crme is increasing. what do you think are the main causes of the crime? how do we deal with those causes?

#countries #amount #crme #crime
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In the contemporary era, kids waste their valuable
time
Use synonyms
 playing games or watching videos
instead
Linking Words
 of doing homework, reading books, going to the tutor, or
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain why
this
Linking Words
 tendency
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is a negative aspect.
Current days
Rephrase
Nowadays
show examples
, technology has developed a lot. Unfortunately, parents use mobile devices in order to keep their babies busy and pleased
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
cartoons
Correct article usage
the cartoons
show examples
 they watch. Actually, children prefer to spend their free
time
Use synonyms
 on social media rather than going out and playing or talking with family. They think that mobile phones are their friend, but not everything like that. Telephones are our first enemy and addiction that we must fight and should not be dependent on them. Nowadays, phones have access to sites, which are violent and aggressive. If they become curious and go to these sites,
this
Linking Words
 will lead to
such
Linking Words
 bad consequences as internet addiction and aggressiveness.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they will not be able to control the
time
Use synonyms
 spent on the phone. Currently, there are plenty of cruel acts seen among teenagers who just visited these types of sites and watched movies, which can affect them aggressively. It led to health problems
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 deterioration of health and vision.
To sum up
Linking Words
, mobiles are
also
Linking Words
 useful and at the same
time
Use synonyms
 they have drawbacks too.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, it may destroy youngsters' personalities.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a clear line of argument throughout the essay, enhancing logical structure by using linking words and phrases more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the introduction by clearly stating your opinion or standpoint on the given topic.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples or case studies to substantiate your points about the negative impact of mobile phone usage.
Task Achievement
Clarify your stance on whether this tendency is solely negative or if there are any redeeming elements to consider.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the argument well.
Task Achievement
The writer identifies relevant issues related to mobile phone usage among children, showcasing an understanding of contemporary societal challenges.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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