IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some argue that having substantial wealth and limited leisure time is preferable to having less money but more free time . To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It has been argued that possessing significant wealth, despite limited leisure hours, is more desirable than having fewer financial resources but
an
Correct article usage
apply
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extra free
time
Use synonyms
 . I totally disagree with the statement because
,
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apply
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 it will take a human to a hectic
life
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 schedule and some severe diseases like obesity and
depression
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. To commence with, to increase a better financial position a human needs to do lots of struggle . Working all day under stress to make money will lead a man to a very busy
life
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 having little
time
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 for themselves and their loved ones.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the great burden of industry makes an individual deal with the tension and performance at the same
time
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 all day .
For instance
Linking Words
, to raise purchasing power a man needs to sacrifice his
life
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 over performance and live under job strain always. Another reason is that it can cause some critical illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and
depression
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 because if a human works all the
time
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 he will not have a moment to exercise, eat a healthy diet and, enough rest which will put on his weight more than normal.
Similarly
Linking Words
, it will cause
depression
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 as an individual not
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
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 enough hours with family and friends, isolating from the job, and always living under tension.
For example
Linking Words
, a study from the World Health Organization has shown that if a man spends too much period on assignments and does not do relaxation more likely to get obese and depressed. In conclusion, I completely disagree with the statement of a handsome salary and less self-
time
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 over being less financially stable and having more self-
time
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 because it will lead an individual to live a very busy
life
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 with strain and
also
Linking Words
 cause some health issues
such
Linking Words
 as being overweight and
depression
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more diverse range of examples and evidence to support your points. This can make your argument more compelling and robust.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay maintains a clear and consistent focus on the central argument throughout. Make sure each paragraph links back to and reinforces your overall stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, outlining the writer's stance effectively and summarizing the key points discussed.
task achievement
Good overall structure with logical progression of ideas from the introduction, through the body paragraphs, to the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported by explanations, even though more specific examples could strengthen the argument further.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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