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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

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Introduction
Several countries claim that the
people
Use synonyms
 are gaining more weight, but falling in their health level and fitness. We may believe that there are some causes to lead to these, and a number of solutions to solve the issues.
Body paragraph 1
The primary cause is probably
people
Use synonyms
's diet, since they tend to eat junk foods which are overly oily. Once they feel full, scientifically they turn to become less active and not knowing what to do.
As a result
Linking Words
, the fat will accumulate in the body, causing these
people
Use synonyms
 to gain more weight. The second key cause is the fact that technology has significantly changed
people
Use synonyms
's habits. Before technology came out,
people
Use synonyms
 used to do some outdoor activities,
such
Linking Words
 as playing football, jogging, and swimming, but these activities are less popular now, since some individuals get addicted to their gadgets and become home-based
people
Use synonyms
, leading to a more sedentary lifestyle, so that they burn fewer calories.
This
Linking Words
 situation can eventually result in health problems,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and stroke.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, there are various steps that can be taken to tackle these problems.
Firstly
Linking Words
, individuals should enroll in fitness classes, as many fitness classes
such
Linking Words
 as swimming, running, or even gym classes, especially in Indonesia, have been proven to be able to reduce the risk of becoming overweight.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 have to establish an awareness of being healthier,
this
Linking Words
 includes participation of their parents to always remind their children to eat vegetables and fruits, swimming
also
Linking Words
 should be made freely for the students by the school, as
this
Linking Words
 activity is more popular than other outdoor activities.
Conclusion
In conclusion, we can say that eating habits and technology could lead to these situations.
However
Linking Words
, health awareness and the role of parents play an important key to prevent
this
Linking Words
 problem from happening.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and ways to help. To make the answer stronger, explain each cause and each way in more detail. For example, say how cheap fast food or long screen time can make people less healthy.
task response
Some ideas are too general or not fully clear. The point about people feeling full and then not knowing what to do does not clearly show why weight goes up. Use a direct link: eating food with much fat and sugar adds more energy than the body uses.
task response
Your solutions should match the causes more closely. Add action from schools and the state, such as better food rules at schools, clear food labels, more parks, and safe places to walk or play.
task response
The example about fitness classes in Indonesia is not well explained. Explain why it is useful, or use a more general example that fits all countries.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, causes, solutions, and ending. Keep this order, but make each main paragraph focus on one main idea before moving to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and join many ideas with commas. Make them shorter. This will help the reader follow your meaning. For example, split the sentence about gadgets, staying at home, and fewer calories into two or three sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care. Words like 'because', 'therefore', 'for example', and 'as a result' can show the link between an idea and its result. Do not add too many links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph sum up the main causes and solutions more exactly. Do not add a new idea there. Mention diet, less activity, family help, and school or state action.
task response
You give two clear causes: poor food choices and less physical activity because of technology.
task response
You offer practical ways to help, including exercise classes, healthy food at home, and help from schools.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has separate parts for causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
You use cause-and-result links, such as 'As a result' and 'This situation can eventually result in health problems,' to connect ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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