IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

#parents #children
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It is argued that parents of overweight children should be penalized.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees completely with
this
Linking Words
 statement because parents are the first involved in their youngsters’ nutrition and
also
Linking Words
 because punishment will encourage them to help their children lose weight. It is crystal clear
than
Correct word choice
that
show examples
genetic
Replace the word
genetics
show examples
 is a consequential cause of obesity.
This
Linking Words
 is because
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
 is scheduled prior to our birth to have
certain
Add an article
a certain
show examples
 shape. In fact, overweight people inherit their fatness from their parents.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is renowned that many overweight people try to lose weight but never succeed. A recent study found that more than 80% of patients who are followed by a doctor for obesity never achieve their aim of becoming fit as their genetically fat.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and concise introduction that directly addresses the essay prompt, and consider including a conclusion to summarize your points.
task achievement
Develop the argument further with specific examples and evidence to support your stance.
task achievement
Clarify the distinction between genetic and environmental causes of obesity; explore how parental influence can change obesity outcomes.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to maintain a smooth flow from one idea to the next, ensuring cohesion between arguments.
task achievement
The essay begins by clearly stating a position on whether parents should be punished, which provides a strong starting point.
task achievement
You have highlighted the common understanding concerning genetic influence on obesity, which adds depth to the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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