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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some think the best way to motivate and encourage people to work hard is to pay them based on how much they produce and sell. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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In terms of
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
, there is a need for a motivating factor to encourage
workers
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 to do more.
However
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, I do not agree with those who feel paying individuals
according to
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 how much they produce and sell is the proper
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hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 incentive.
This
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 is because I think it allows business
workers
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 to fear
set backs
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setbacks
show examples
 and produces
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money driven
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money-driven
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 employees. The main reason for my opposition is that the fear of failure in business will be heightened.
This
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 can lead to an increase in depression among young individuals who are just starting out.
In addition
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, it allows
workers
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 to be
skeptical
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sceptical
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 about trying uncharted
fieds
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fields
 as they know that they only will bear the loss
if
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of
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 their experiment .
For instance
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, in developed
nation
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nations
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, the government supports new businesses regardless of their sales,
this
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 allows the development of new products that help to grow the community. Another justification for my disagreement is that
this
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 type of motivating factor would produce
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money hungry
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money-hungry
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 citizens. With
money
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 as the sole goal of many vendors, the right process to produce great
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result
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results
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 will be overlooked;
hence
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,
workers
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 will not mind breaking the rules to produce and sell more products.
Furthermore
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,
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money driven
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money-driven
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 businessmen can
result
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 in
misheavous
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mischievous
 ways to reduce competition; thereby, increasing
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
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 rate.
For instance
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, in China, there was a baby
formular
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formula
 industry that paid cow farmers
according to
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 the milk that was brought.
This
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lead
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led
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 to some farmers adding harmful materials to produce more jars of milk.
As a
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result
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, there were a lot of sick Chinese babies in the 20th century.
This
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 shows that not all
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result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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is
Verb problem
apply
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a proof of
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hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
. In conclusion, I firmly disagree with the sentiment that paying people
according to
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 their production numbers and their sales is a great way of fostering
Use synonyms
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because I believe that it can increase the stress of business failures and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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produces
Correct subject-verb agreement
produce
show examples
workers
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 who are
money
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 crazy.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clearer transition phrases between paragraphs and ideas to enhance the logical flow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to substantiate each point and increase relevance.
task achievement
Clarify points further for comprehensive understanding, particularly when discussing real-world implications.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the thesis and provides an outline of the points discussed.
coherence cohesion
A coherent conclusion is presented, reinforcing the writer’s stance.
task achievement
Good attempt to address both psychological and practical outcomes of the policy discussed.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • motivate
  • encourage
  • productivity
  • performance-based pay
  • objective assessment
  • collaboration
  • creativity
  • innovation
  • stress
  • burnout
  • job satisfaction
  • compensation strategy
  • quantify
  • supportive work environment
  • professional development
  • recognition programs
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