IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that children should be taught to be competitive in school. Others, however, sya that cooperation and team working skills are more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #children #school #sya #cooperation #team #skills
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In
this
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 day and age,
the
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apply
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families are concerned about which is the best educational style for the little ones.
Ones
Correct pronoun usage
Some
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 support the idea that it is essential to
instill
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instil
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knowlegde
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knowledge
 to make children more competitive,
while
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 others
preffer
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prefer
 to provide education based
in
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on
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 teamwork. From my point of view, I concur with the first
sated
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stated
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 notion. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will share
argument
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an argument
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 to explain both sides and my personal opinion. One of the
notion
Change to a plural noun
notions
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 is that schools
most
Correct your spelling
must
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 teach children how to accomplish several skills to be more efficient in various areas.
This
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 side is pretty significant as the world has experienced a non-stop evolution in complex
field
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fields
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,
such
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 as technology, medicine, and
economy
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the economy
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; on
this
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 account, every kid must develop vital skills to survive in
the
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apply
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this
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 modern reality. Based on
this
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 complexity, progenitors worry and are deciding to apply
this
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 educational style.
On the other hand
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, some parents support the idea that it is most valuable to educate pupils in order to work better in teams.
This
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 side,
also
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, is important because several jobs,
of
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in
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 nowadays world,
request
Verb problem
require
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 the ability to work in groups and, for sure, a variety of
profesions
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professionals
 need
this
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 skill, like doctors, nurses, architects, and more.
Although
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this
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 positive opinion, I believe that custodians should give their sons and daughters the opportunity to learn valuable abilities at school in order to be competitive in every field;
as a
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result
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result,
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 they will be valuable members of
a
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apply
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every team. In
conlusion
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conclusion
, both perspectives have relevant advantages, but, as I am concerned only by teaching competitive skills to students they will achieve success in every field working by themselves or in teams.
Submitted by oscarsanmo on

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Task Response
Work on balancing your discussion between the two perspectives. Make sure you provide equal coverage to both sides before stating your opinion. You might want to explicitly point out that you are shifting from discussing one side to the other.
Task Response
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This will help in demonstrating your point clearly and can make your essay more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs and ideas. This will make your essay easier to follow and more cohesive. Consider using linking words or phrases that can guide the reader through your discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, but ensure the main body paragraphs are equally well-organized. Clearly define each paragraph's central idea and provide supporting details.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction sets the context well and clarifies the scope of the essay which is good for orienting the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
The use of a clear conclusion reaffirms your position effectively, providing closure to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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