IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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Packaged
food
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 and drinks
such
Linking Words
 as coke and biscuits usually contain high
sugar
Use synonyms
 content which can lead to severe health problems in long-run. Some suggest that to discourage consumption of these
products
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, they should be made more costly. I partially contend with
this
Linking Words
 idea and I will elucidate the rationale supporting my perspective. First of all, there is a good reason to discourage the consumption of
high
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
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food
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 because of the detrimental effect it has on health and the addictive nature of it. Numerous scientific studies prove that excessive
sugar
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 intake is
one
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 of the major factors that cause obesity, diabetes, and heart
diseases
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disease
show examples
.
Sugar
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 is
also
Linking Words
one
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 of the substances that cause addiction over time which in
turns
Fix the agreement mistake
turn
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 worsen the situation and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 it harder for individuals to cut down on it.
Besides
Linking Words
,
one
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 of the most apparent reasons for pre-packaged
food
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 to be so popular is because of its very affordable price.
For example
Linking Words
, in California, with the same cost
of
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as
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 an avocado,
one
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 would be able to get a big pack of pre-packed chocolate
donuts
Change the spelling
doughnuts
show examples
 with a dozen pieces, enough to feed a family of four for three days in the morning. Understandably, households with limited financial
resource
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resources
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 would turn to low-cost, mass-produced
food
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products
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 as a more economical meal option, as compared to the healthier but more expensive
food
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 choices. Increasing the product cost by imposing
tax
Add an article
a tax
show examples
 on high
sugar
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 content
food
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products
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 could potentially lower the incentive for shoppers to make the purchase decision.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 alone would not be the best solution. The lawmakers should
also
Linking Words
 make sure that healthy alternatives are available at a more affordable and attractive price compared to the unhealthy ones.
This
Linking Words
 can be achieved by providing subsidies to businesses
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 sell clean
food
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. Because of the above reasons, I am convinced that actions will have to be taken immediately to alleviate the risk of excessive
sugar
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 consumption.
However
Linking Words
, a more comprehensive plan will be required apart from just increasing the cost of sugary
products
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.
Submitted by josefacheang on

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task achievement
Although your essay had clear ideas and a well-structured argument, consider diving deeper into counterarguments next time to provide a more comprehensive analysis of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure every paragraph transitions smoothly. Although the ideas are logically ordered, more explicit linking words could help guide the reader effortlessly.
coherence and cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps the reader understand the purpose and main argument of your essay from the start and summarize effectively.
task achievement
Your examples and details are relevant and effectively support your main points, increasing the persuasiveness of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
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