IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As a result of electronic inventions such as smartphones and tablets, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Technology has brought many convenient benefits
for
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to
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 human life. It is agreed that "
as a result
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 of electronic inventions
such
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 as
smartphones
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 and
tablets
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,
people
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 do less physical activity, and
this
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 is having a negative effect on their health".
This
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 is because of these reasons I will explain below.
Firstly
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, electronic devices like
smartphones
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 and
tablets
Use synonyms
 nowadays lead to a number of
people
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 who are addicted to them, and
thus
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, they do less physical movement. Many
people
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 spend from four to 12 hours scrolling on their
smartphones
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. They are attracted by notifications from messengers, emails, zalo, what's up
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc., and the first thing some
people
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 wake up in the morning is daily checking their electronic devices.
As a result
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, they have no time to do any exercise and motivate their positive energy. "Time flies as an arrow",
people
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 spend most of their time
on
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apply
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using their
smartphones
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 or
tablets
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cannot
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and cannot
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 go out for
their
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apply
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physical activity obviously.
Secondly
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, less moving physically can have a worse effect on
people
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's health.
For example
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, there are many
people
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 staying
obesity
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obese
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 and losing their memories during the Covid 19 pandemic. These patients were blocked in their homes, they did not have a lot of healthy recreation. They are stuck with their
smartphones
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 or
tablets
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 for long hours, day by day.
As a result
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,
people
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 during
this
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 period often got serious diseases
on
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apply
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mental or physical
ones
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apply
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.
Consequently
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, a majority of elderly
people
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often
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are often
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 found to lose their memories, and the number of
people
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 who have metabolism disorder diseases
due to
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 lacking exercise and going outdoors increased significantly. In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 the inventions of electronic devices caused
people
Use synonyms
 to be addicted to them and
therefore
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,
this
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 brought a negative health issue for
people
Use synonyms
.
Community
Add an article
The community
A community
show examples
 should consider reducing the use of
this
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 convenient equipment and increasing physical activity to improve their physical and mental strength.

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the structure by ensuring each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Consider using more linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
Expand on examples and reasoning. Provide more supporting evidence or personal experiences to substantiate your main points, especially in discussing health impacts.
task achievement
Clarify and refine your points to make them more comprehensive. Break down complex ideas into simpler, clearer narratives.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, providing a good framework for the discussion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the role of electronic devices and their effects on physical health, covering relevant aspects of the topic.
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