IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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These days some individuals have seen that the most effective way to enhance public
health
Use synonyms
 is by raising the amount of
sports
Use synonyms
 activities. Others
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 say that
this
Linking Words
 would smaller effect on population
health
Use synonyms
 and needed other facilities. In my opinion, I think
sports
Use synonyms
 alone are not enough to improve
health
Use synonyms
 in society. On the one hand, exercise plays an essential role in improving
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
 condition.
In other words
Linking Words
, when the organization implement a large number of
sports
Use synonyms
 facilities in the city that leads to an
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
 number of
people
Use synonyms
 using these
activiites
Correct your spelling
activities
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe
this
Linking Words
 is the most efficient method to develop
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
soceity
Correct your spelling
society
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in 2010, a survey conducted by Makkah newspaper about how can enhance body
health
Use synonyms
 in the nation the results showed most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
suggest
Wrong verb form
suggested
show examples
 increasing the amount of
sports
Use synonyms
 around the country.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a balanced diet is extremely crucial to maintaining perfect
health
Use synonyms
 conditions. In other terms, the play
sports
Use synonyms
 have only a small proportion to improve activity.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the government should launch publicity campaigns in the media and schools to
distributes
Wrong verb form
distribute
show examples
 the importance of balanced nutrient which consists of carbohydrates, proteins and healthy fats in order to keep body weight within the normal range.
For example
Linking Words
, there was a study published at King Abdulaziz University in Jeddah, on the effect of combination
Use synonyms
sports
Change preposition
of sports
show examples
 and a healthy diet on
health
Use synonyms
 status the results
had shown
Wrong verb form
showed
show examples
 77% improvement. In conclusion, today it is vital to maintain body
health
Use synonyms
 without any diseases to reach
this
Linking Words
 goal
people
Use synonyms
 should not only play
sports
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 do
sports
Use synonyms
in addition
Linking Words
 to having a healthy diet. From my perspective, I totally support the
people
Use synonyms
 must eat healthy diets and play
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
Submitted by khalidhxhd on

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task response
Clarify and fully develop both views in the essay, ensuring that each perspective is equally weighed and comprehensively explained.
coherence
Use linking phrases more effectively to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task response
Provide more precise examples and explanations to support your main points, ensuring they directly relate to the topic.
coherence
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, consistently discussing both viewpoints on the topic.
task response
Sound effort in providing examples, such as surveys and studies, to support the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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