IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their phones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive ar negative development?

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Many young individuals utilize smartphones for a great portion of their daily lives. I wholeheartedly believe
this
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 is
due to
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 the ignorance of
parents
Use synonyms
 and the lack of playmates.
Besides
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, there are some issues associated with
this
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 behaviour
such
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 as the isolation of
children
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. In recent decades,
parents
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 have become more impatient and weary
due to
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 their hectic lifestyle in crowded cities. To clarify,
parents
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, after work, prefer to entertain their
children
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 with video games rather than
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
time
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 with them on real-world games.
Moreover
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, the existence of playmates in the past for juveniles made it more thrilling for them to play.
In other words
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,
children
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 used to play with their siblings or neighbours in order to amuse themselves, but now,
children
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 are learning to pass their
time
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 alone. Alternatively,
this
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 attitude will result in behavioural problems. In fact, playing video games might develop a tendency to isolation, rage and misbehave.
For instance
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, I have known my nephew to be a gamer when he was young, and now these attitudes can be observed in him.
In addition
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, focusing on electronic devices can cause damage to
children
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’s fitness. Nowadays,
children
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 are spending less
time
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 doing outdoor activities
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or going to sports classes. Physical sports are beneficial in early ages of life, and
children
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 lose the chance of these benefits by spending
time
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 on their cell phones. In conclusion, using smartphones is a result of impatient
parents
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 and fewer friendships available to
children
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. I suppose
this
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 has drawbacks for
children
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’s attitude and physical health.

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task achievement
Strengthen your argument by offering more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all sections of your essay, especially the conclusion, reinforce your main argument clearly.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses both parts of the question, offering reasons for children's smartphone use and evaluating its developmental impact.
coherence cohesion
The structure is clear, with a logical introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Ideas are well-organized, maintaining good flow and clarity throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay uses personal anecdotes that add specificity and relatability to the points made.
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