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Writing Samples
Band 5

In education and emplyoment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard?

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In the domains of education and
emplyoment
Correct your spelling
employment
, some
people
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 put more effort
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 their jobs and responsibilities. There are several reasons for
this
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 as personality and the need to achieve more by setting goals. Since it comes with consequences like not having lots of free
time
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, I believe that working hard is not always good for
people
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. 
People
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's attitudes and personalities really affect their
work
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 style.
While
Linking Words
 it is enough for some
people
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 to only finish the necessary responsibilities, others like to achieve more since being a high achiever is part of their characteristics.
Moreover
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,
hard working
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hard-working
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people
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 like to set goals
such
Linking Words
 as getting a high grade or being promoted to a new position.
For instance
Linking Words
, in university, I had a
spesific
Correct your spelling
specific
 goal to get a 3 gpa score. Without going to classes and
studing
Correct your spelling
studying
constently
Correct your spelling
constantly
,
this
Linking Words
 was impossible. Some of my friends,
in contrast
Linking Words
 to me, had no wish to get good scores and they wanted to socialize
instead
Linking Words
. So, it depends on the characteristic of a person
as well as
Linking Words
 their aims in life. Hard
working
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work
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 can benefit a person greatly.
However
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
 means that their schedule will probably be busy most of the
time
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. Despite
it's
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its
show examples
 advantages, life is not only about occupation or
high level
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high-level
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 education. It
Linking Words
also
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is also
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 about having hobbies, spending
time
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 with loved ones and family,
traveling
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travelling
show examples
, etc.
For example
Linking Words
, my mom used to
work
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 a lot. She used to go to her job even on weekends.
This
Linking Words
 led her to feel burned out and depressed since she had no
time
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 to herself and to be with her family.
Thus
Linking Words
, even though she liked her job in the first place and earned a high income, over
time
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 being exposed to
work
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 all the
time
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 affected her negatively. In conclusion,
Use synonyms
work
Correct article usage
the work
show examples
 principles of a person
depends
Change the verb form
depend
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
factors
such
Linking Words
 as personality and their perspective of life.
While
Linking Words
 it may come with great results like
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 salary,
according to
Linking Words
 me, the consequences
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not worth it.
Therefore
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, working so hard cannot be always beneficial.

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Task Response
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing why some people work harder than others and evaluates whether working hard is always beneficial. Maintain this focus throughout the essay, but be sure to add more depth to your exploration regarding the negative consequences of working too hard.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical flow with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, ensure that all points connect more seamlessly by incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. This will enhance the reader’s understanding and engagement.
Task Response
While there are specific examples provided, such as your personal experiences with university goals and your mother’s work habits, try to include a wider range of examples to illustrate your arguments more thoroughly. This can help demonstrate the variability of experiences in both education and employment.
Task Response
You have clearly articulated the reasons why some people might work harder, such as due to personality traits like being a high achiever or setting specific goals.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay includes a well-structured introduction and conclusion that summarize the topic and present your perspective clearly.
Task Response
The personal example about your mother's work habits adds authenticity and relatability to your argument about the potential downsides of working too hard.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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