IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view? (frequently repeated topic)

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It is argued that
art
Use synonyms
 has excessive funding, which could be used more efficiently. I agree with
this
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 statement, but I do not think that
art
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 is fully redundant, as it consolidates cultural values. Government expenditure on support of
art
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 is extremely high and overestimated. The finance allocated per year is huge, opening new methods for corruption. Kazakhstan,
for instance
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, dispenses over 100 million dollars into
this
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 sector, which comprises 7% of its annual budget.
This
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 money could be used for innovative fields,
such
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 as robotics and artificial intelligence, as they would accelerate development and contribute to forming a firm economy. Unfortunately, government investments in
such
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 innovative realms usually are underestimated and significantly less compared to
art
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. Shortening funding of
art
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 and directing
this
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 money into much more impactful spheres should be taken. Anyway,
art
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 should not be totally disrupted with no finances, as it is the staple of the national culture and must be strictly preserved.
Art
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 holds so much history, showing the evolution of national customs and traditions. It gives the opportunity to discern many historical facts, as artists tended to draw and depict
such
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 events.
For example
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, we can gain so much awareness about France's history through their paintings and sculptures. Works of Francisco Chollet and other artists not only reflect the artistic trends of their time but
also
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 capture significant events,
such
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 as the French Revolution.
Similarly
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, traditional Kazakh
art
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,
such
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 as carpets and jewellery, demonstrates their historical heritage and nomadic nature. In conclusion,
art
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 is an essential part of the cultural identity of a nation and must not be totally defunded.
Instead
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, finances for
this
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 realm should be shortened
due to
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 the massive corruption.

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear response to the task by discussing both sides of the argument. However, the introduction could be slightly more elaborate to set a broader context for the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and consistent flow. While the essay is generally coherent, transitioning between ideas could be smoother in some sections.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples, such as the investment scenario in Kazakhstan, which strengthens the argument.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported with relevant examples and details.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key arguments, reinforcing the essay’s position.
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