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Band 5.5

In many schools, students are showing increasingly bad behavior. What problems does this cause for schools and society, and what solutions can be implemented to improve student behavior?

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Technological advancements have had a demonstrable effect on the younger generation, especially with
regards
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regard
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 to
students
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' bad
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behavior
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behaviour
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. As users share their opinions and upload video clips to their social media accounts, young adults can access these contents and view more and more examples of bad
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behavior
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behaviour
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, leading to several
problems
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 in
school
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 and society, which
this
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 essay will explore
in addition
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 to their possible solutions. An increasing number of bad
behaviors
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behaviours
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 among
students
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 has led to many
problems
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. Foremost among these is declining academic performance among undisciplined
students
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 because they lose concentration in class. Teenagers can become easily distracted by more appealing activities,
such
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 as computer games, leading to skipped classes and late submission of their assignments
due to
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 procrastination.
Therefore
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, these poorly managed
students
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 have no time to review the content
on
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of
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 their exams and fail their tests.
In addition
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, bad
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behavior
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behaviour
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 during childhood plays a significant role in shaping adolescents'
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behavior
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behaviour
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,
such
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 as becoming a thief and eventually causing higher crime rates in the country. Some
students
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 start to engage in bad
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behavior
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behaviour
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such
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 as bullying and forcing their friends to give
money
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them money
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, as they feel like they gain social acceptance from their friends, receive special treatment and privileges, and have more money to purchase new clothes. These ignited bad
behaviors
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behaviours
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 cultivate little by little, leading to more severe crimes like becoming a thief in their later years.
However
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, there are clear solutions for these
problems
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, should
schools
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 and teachers be willing to follow them. By increasing the number of
school
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 activities based on
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students'
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student's
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 preferences and hobbies,
schools
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 can shift
students
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' attention away from the internet and social media, which are sources of examples of bad
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behavior
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behaviour
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. These
school
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 activities, like golf clubs and dancing clubs, encourage
students
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 to reduce stress and find their career paths in the future. Another effective measure is for
schools
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 to strengthen rules to better control
students
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, keeping them under
school
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 observation and ensuring compliance with regulations. Severe penalties should be applied if bad actions are taken frequently;
for instance
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,
students
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 should not be allowed to take an exam if they submit homework late more than three times. In conclusion,
although
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 the myriad of
problems
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result
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results
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 from
students
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' bad
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behavior
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behaviour
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 in both
school
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 and society, these
problems
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 have clear solutions, should
schools
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 and teachers want to try them. In my opinion, if
students
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 continue to behave badly toward their classmates and neglect academic responsibilities, the repercussions on both their future careers and communities will be long-lasting and disastrous.

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task achievement
To enhance your task achievement, try to include more specific examples that help illustrate the problems and solutions presented. While your essay is comprehensive, adding real-world cases or statistics could make it even stronger.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, while the structure is generally clear, there is an opportunity to use more varied linking words to ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. This will help further improve the logical structure.
task achievement
You provided a well-rounded response that addresses both the problems and solutions, remaining focused on the task statement throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, summarizing the issues and potential remedies well.
coherence cohesion
The essay is organized with distinct paragraphs each dedicated to a specific aspect of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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