IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree?

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Offering new opportunities for
youngpeopleis
Correct your spelling
Young people is
 a subject of debate nowadays. Some support that
companies
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 should enforce retirement for elderly
people
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 and open new opportunities for the upcoming generations, I vehemently agree with
this
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 point of view.
Initially
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, encouraging employees who are over 55 years old to retire will permit hiring younger
people
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 with a fresh mentality and brain functioning which may lead to thriving the
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companies
Change noun form
company's
show examples
 revenues.
For instance
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, Japan has the most effective policies implied by the government on the
companies
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 to help grow the economy, exhibiting an increased trend in revenue generation. These regulations will,
in addition
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, generate new ideas and innovations from young workers more than old
people
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,
due to
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 the effectiveness of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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brain function and neuron transmission.
Moreover
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, the new generations tend to increase the productivity of
companies
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 with time-efficient manners compared to elderly workers who work much slower because of the decrease in their mental ability and physical performance.
Also
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, studies show that brain development in the present time is affected by the environment and technology, which results in quick thinking and fast decisions specifically in harsh and delicate situations. In conclusion,
while
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 high-level employees with many years of experience in the job are crucial for the growth of
companies
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, these latter should focus on giving a chance to newly graduated
people
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 to nurture the
companies
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' capital. I strongly agree with the latter opinion.

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task achievement
Incorporate more varied and detailed examples to strengthen your arguments. While you provide some relevant examples, more diversity in examples or case studies would enhance your points.
task achievement
Ensure that your sentences are grammatically correct and maintain a formal tone throughout. Revising minor grammatical inaccuracies and ensuring clarity can further improve your task response.
coherence cohesion
Consider revisiting the sentence structures for better flow and logical progression. Small changes in how ideas transition may enhance the overall clarity and coherence.
task achievement
You provide strong support for your stance with logical points, particularly when discussing the fresh mentality and productivity of younger workers.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, maintaining focus on the main topic throughout.
task achievement
The inclusion of examples, like the reference to Japan, adds a practical angle to your arguments, helping to ground your opinions in real-world contexts.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • mandatory retirement
  • succession planning
  • knowledge transfer
  • intergenerational workforce
  • workforce demographics
  • workplace diversity
  • age discrimination
  • company culture
  • retirement policy
  • economic impact
  • professional development
  • mentoring and coaching
  • flexible working arrangements
  • experience versus innovation
  • employee retention
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