IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by ‎almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this ‎disturbing trend.‎

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There is no denying the fact that the overweight
Use synonyms
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
 percentages increased about nearly 20 per cent in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 society in the
last
Linking Words
 10 years. I will talk about the causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem and the ways to solve it. And I will talk about my opinion as
will
Correct your spelling
well
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the causes of
this
Linking Words
 case are a lot, but the main reason is eating a big amount of
suger
Correct your spelling
sugar
such
Linking Words
 as candy .
Also
Linking Words
 eating a massive amount of unhealthy food . When the children eat everything without counting the calories they will gain weight .
Secondly
Linking Words
, at
this
Linking Words
 time
kids
Use synonyms
 start using video games and phones
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means that they do not do
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
body exercises
such
Linking Words
 as playing football. So not doing body exercises will not help to give them energy and lose body fats . How could solve
this
Linking Words
 problem?
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is so important for
kids
Use synonyms
 to do
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 and it is ok to go to the gym if they are 15 years old or above . It will help them so much losing their
overweight
Replace the word
weight
show examples
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 it is so important to watch them and to know what they are eating. Parents
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to change all of the unhealthy food in
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 house and replace it with healthy food,
such
Linking Words
 as fruits and vegetables. In conclusion
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 my opinion, overweight children
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
thire
Correct your spelling
their
there
 family problem not the
kids
Use synonyms
, because the
kids
Use synonyms
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not know what is good for them and what is not good for them the parent must tell them and must be aware
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
thire
Correct your spelling
their
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 health.

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coherence cohesion
Develop a clear logical structure in your essay. Consider using concise topic sentences and well-organized paragraphs for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction should outline what you will be discussing in the essay more clearly. Make sure your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your main points are well supported with clear examples or evidence. For instance, provide more specific examples of unhealthy foods and suggest how much exercise is sufficient for children.
task achievement
Provide a more comprehensive response by discussing both causes and effects of overweight children in detail. For example, talk about potential physical and psychological effects.
task achievement
Work on expressing your ideas more clearly and thoroughly, perhaps by planning your essay structure in advance to ensure each point is comprehensively covered.
task achievement
Include some specific and relevant examples to illustrate your points better. For example, you could mention specific games or technologies that promote inactivity, and statistics on obesity-related health issues.
task achievement
The essay acknowledges important causes such as poor diet and lack of exercise, which are common issues associated with childhood obesity.
task achievement
You have offered potential solutions, such as exercise and dietary changes, demonstrating awareness of practical measures to mitigate the problem.
task achievement
You have taken a stance on the issue, mentioning parental responsibility, which adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • advancements in technology
  • physical activities
  • availability
  • popularity
  • fast food
  • high-calorie
  • marketed aggressively
  • preferred choice
  • lack of awareness
  • education
  • healthy eating habits
  • nutritional values
  • dietary choices
  • physical
  • psychological
  • risk
  • developing
  • serious health problems
  • diabetes
  • high blood pressure
  • heart disease
  • bullying
  • social isolation
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • long-term impact
  • quality of life
  • personal and professional life
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