IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many
people
Use synonyms
 encourage young
people
Use synonyms
 to leave
home
Use synonyms
 when they become older,
while
Linking Words
 others think they should stay at
home
Use synonyms
 with their family. Discuss both
view
Change to a plural noun
views
show examples
 and give your own opinion.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that young
people
Use synonyms
 should leave their
Use synonyms
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 to live without their
parents
Use synonyms
. Others ‘opinion is that they stay with their family. I will discuss both views and my own opinion
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 topic which I think after getting older you should leave your
home
Use synonyms
 to grow up more and understand
Use synonyms
life
Change noun form
life's
show examples
 challenges to live. On the one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
 think leaving
home
Use synonyms
 after growing up
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 a chance to understand
life
Use synonyms
 better with positive and negative sides. Getting one more age
is
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not
meaning
Wrong verb form
mean
show examples
 you are growing up. I give my case as an example when I left my
parents
Use synonyms
, I was 17 years old. At
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first,
Linking Words
handling everything was hard for me
such
Linking Words
 as cooking,
washing
Correct word choice
and washing
show examples
 all diseases,
however
Linking Words
, after a
while
Linking Words
 I used to do them by myself.
This
Linking Words
 kind of
parents
Use synonyms
 want to keep
Correct article usage
an eyes
show examples
eyes
Fix the agreement mistake
eye
show examples
 on their
children
Use synonyms
every
Correct determiner usage
all the
show examples
 time and they think their
children
Use synonyms
 don’t do anything without them. So, I think these controls lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of courage,
improving
Replace the word
improvement
show examples
 and skills we need to have in our
life
Use synonyms
 journey. On the
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 ‘hand, Some
parents
Use synonyms
 encourage their
children
Use synonyms
live
Add the particle
to live
show examples
 with them because they think period
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 they face difficulty
to do
Change preposition
in doing
show examples
 simple activities in their daily
life
Use synonyms
 after getting older. Most old
generation ‘
Change noun form
generation's
show examples
views aspects are that
children
Use synonyms
 care
out
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 don’t have
responsibility
Add an article
a responsibility
the responsibility
show examples
 to be with their
parents
Use synonyms
 all the time. Conclusion, Most
people
Use synonyms
 believe living without
parents
Use synonyms
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to find more opportunities
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
life
Use synonyms
.
Otherwise
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 don’t want to live separate
their
Change preposition
from their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 because of their older ages.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure each paragraph clearly supports the essay prompt, using more relevant and specific examples. For instance, use practical scenarios or statistical references that strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Increase coherence and cohesion by organizing the essay into clear, distinct sections. Use a variety of linking words to connect ideas and guide the reader smoothly through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Expand on your ideas with detailed descriptions and clarify your points by avoiding repetitive vocabulary. This will enhance reader understanding and make your arguments more convincing.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states the topic and presents the dual perspectives along with the writer's opinion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is present and provides a succinct summary of the discussed viewpoints.
task achievement
The essay attempts to provide examples and personal experiences relevant to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: