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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Many families encourage young
people
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 to leave home when they become older,
while
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 others believe they should stay with their family.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and provide my own opinion. The majority of
people
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 believe that young generations should leave their
parents
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 and live independently.
On the other hand
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, some think they should stay with their family. In my opinion, after reaching adulthood, individuals should leave home to grow, develop independence, and understand
life
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's challenges. On one hand, many
people
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 believe that leaving home helps young individuals experience
life
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 with both its positive and negative aspects. Simply growing older does not necessarily mean gaining maturity.
For example
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, when I left my
parents
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 at the age of 17, I
initially
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 struggled with daily tasks
such
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 as cooking and washing.
However
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, over time, I adapted and became self-sufficient. Some
parents
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 tend to be overprotective, constantly monitoring their
children
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 and believing they cannot manage on their own.
This
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 level of control can lead to a lack of courage, personal development, and essential
life
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 skills.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 encourage their
children
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 to stay do so out of the belief that they must take care of the family. Especially in non-western societies, it is common to expect that
children
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 do not have to move until marriage or can stay indefinitely to take care of the household.
For example
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, in most Asian and Middle Eastern societies,
people
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 stay with their families until they feel independent, without
rush
Wrong verb form
rushing
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 and take care of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
parents
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 in the
meanwhile
Correct your spelling
meantime
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. So,
this
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 may depend on cultural beliefs and preferences. Still, the time when a person feels independent may never come if they do not face challenges.
This
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 is why it is important to give more freedom, considering that society is developing at a very rapid rate. In conclusion, most
people
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 believe that living independently helps individuals find more opportunities in
life
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.
However
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, others prefer not to live separately from their
children
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due to
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 concerns about old age and dependency.I agree with the fact that independence must be established early on, despite the difficulties. Everyone needs necessary
life
Use synonyms
 skills.

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task achievement
Ensure that each main point is supported by relevant examples and explanations. For instance, expand on how leaving home promotes independence with more detailed anecdotes or data.
coherence cohesion
Refine the logical flow between ideas by using a greater variety of cohesive devices. This can help improve the smoothness and clarity of your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the question by discussing both sides of the argument thoughtfully and providing a personal opinion, which is well integrated into the discourse.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, giving it a clear start and finish while summarizing the key points effectively.
task achievement
Good use of personal examples enriches the essay and provides practical insights into the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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