IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Parents are encouraging their children to spend an increasing amount of time on tablets and screens because they think it will improve their technological skills Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In modern society, a
lot
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 of parents are encouraging their kids to use more electric devices to enhance their technological skills. It's important to use the Internet and the following machines these days. But in my opinion, the disadvantages of using machines are a
lot
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 more than the advantages for two reasons.
Firstly
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, excessive usage of electric devices can cause addiction
such
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 as game addiction.
Due to
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 development of the Internet technology, we have a
lot
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 of content to enjoy these days. We can watch tons of YouTube videos about trending games or memes. And Instagram reels of famous influencers who show off their beauty and wealth. Being exposed to all these highly addictive and stimulating contents isn't good for children's development.
Secondly
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, if you spend too much time using SNSs, you might have trouble communicating with other people. You might say SNSs are made to communicate and it's a
lot
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 easier to have a conversation with your friends. To be more accurate, you might have problems
while
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 grasping others' emotions. Communicating with texts can't be more vivid than communicating face to face in the perspective of catching emotions. To summarise, when
let
Verb problem
apply
show examples
your kids spend more time online, there is a risk of decreased social interaction. Spending excessive time on screens might limit personal interactions, impacting children's social skills and emotional intelligence development. There is
also
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 the concern of exposure to inappropriate content and online dangers. Without adequate supervision and control, children may come across harmful or misleading information, cyberbullying, or inappropriate media.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a thoughtful response to the task, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of children using electronic devices. However, providing more specific examples can enhance your arguments, making them more convincing. Try to include examples that illustrate both points of view.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each of your paragraphs connects smoothly to the next. Right now, your essay is quite structured, but using transitional phrases would enhance the flow, making the essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have addressed both potential advantages and disadvantages, which displays a balanced perspective on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital literacy
  • Technology-driven world
  • Technological proficiency
  • Educational apps
  • Interactive software
  • Learning styles
  • Eye strain
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Social interaction
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Inappropriate content
  • Cyberbullying
  • Screen time management
  • Supervision and control
  • Exposure
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