IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, many
children
Use synonyms
 spend a significant amount of time on their smartphones and other technological devices. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is a negative development as it can lead to
health
Use synonyms
 issues, poor academic performance, reduced
soical
Correct your spelling
social
 interaction
as well as
Linking Words
 addiction. First and foremost, one major drawback of excessive smartphone use is its negative impact on
children
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
. Spending long
hours
Use synonyms
 staring at a screen can cause eye strain, headaches, and sleep disturbances. Many
children
Use synonyms
 become physically inactive, which contributes to obesity and related
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
For instance
Linking Words
, the majority of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation devote five to six
hours
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a day, but statistics show that nearly 70% of
children
Use synonyms
 who spend more than 5
hours
Use synonyms
 per day on activities perform worse than those who allocate only 2
hours
Use synonyms
 to their daily activities.
Similarly
Linking Words
, using phones too much can cause
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of interaction with the members of
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
 friends, which
leading
Change the form of the verb
leads
show examples
 to
become
Change the verb form
becoming
show examples
 emotionally distant from people and feeling cold towards someone.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 engaging in phone activities for long periods can cause some problems, it
also
Linking Words
 comes with some benefits. One of the main advantages would probably be the ability to do everything at home. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mobile devices can contribute to
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 a new language and
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
 without any teacher or tutor.
For example
Linking Words
, many language-learning apps
such
Linking Words
 as Duolingo and Babbel allow
children
Use synonyms
 to practice new languages independently.
Additionally
Linking Words
, educational platforms like Khan Academy provide tutorials and exercises that help students complete their homework without requiring a teacher’s assistance.
Likewise
Linking Words
, juveniles may get confused by excessive
using
Replace the word
use
show examples
 of
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 in a negative way, leading to an addiction to scrolling through
Add an article
the phone
a phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 with other programs. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 smartphones and other technological devices offer certain educational benefits, their excessive use among
children
Use synonyms
 leads to serious negative consequences.
Health
Use synonyms
 issues, poor academic performance, and reduced social interaction are significant drawbacks that outweigh the advantages.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your main idea or thesis is clearly stated at the beginning of the essay and reiterated in the conclusion for stronger clarity.
coherence cohesion
Try to organize paragraphs more logically, starting each one with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of the paragraph.
introduction conclusion present
You provided a clear and fair conclusion that summarizes your main point of view regarding the topic.
task achievement
The use of examples such as educational apps like Duolingo and Babbel effectively supports your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay consistently maintains focus on the issue of children using smartphones, providing a balanced perspective by showing both positive and negative aspects.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: