IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays, many
children
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use
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 smartphones for many hours every day. There are several reasons for
this
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, and I believe it is more negative than positive
devolopment
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development
developments
. One reason
children
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use
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phones
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 so much
are
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is
show examples
 because
phones
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 are very entertaining.
Children
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 can watch videos, play games, and
use
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 social media apps like TikTok, which are designed to keep people using them for a long time. Another reason is that
parents
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 are busy and sometimes give
phones
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 to
children
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 to keep them quiet.
For example
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, in restaurants or at home when
parents
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 are working.
Overall
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, kids
use
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phones
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 too much because they're fun and
parents
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 allow it.
Phones
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 can help learning
,
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apply
show examples
 but hurt health and friendships, so it's mostly bad. Smartphones can be useful for learning. There are good educational apps and
children
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 can find information for school projects easily.
However
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, I think using
phones
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 too much is bad for
children
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.
First,
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it is not healthy because
children
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 sit still for hours
instead
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 of playing outside.
This
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 can lead to health problems like obesity.
Second,
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children
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 may have problems talking to people face-to-face if they always
use
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phones
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 to communicate.
Also
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, some
children
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 cannot sleep well because they
use
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phones
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 before bed. In conclusion,
while
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 smartphones can help
children
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 learn, using them for many hours every day is mostly negative.
Parents
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 should control how much time
children
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 spend on
phones
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 and encourage other activities like sports or reading books.

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task achievement
Consider expanding your arguments with more detailed explanations and examples to better support your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to connect your ideas more clearly, using linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
The essay clearly presents a personal opinion on the topic, which is a strong aspect of task response.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize the main points of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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