IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
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 world, almost every
Use synonyms
children
Change to a singular noun
child
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 have
Correct article usage
a smartphones
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smartphones
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphone
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 and
spend
Correct subject-verb agreement
spends
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significant
Add an article
a significant
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 amount of time using
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
Although
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 there are some beneficial sides
of
Change preposition
to
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 it, the extreme usage of that technology may cause some troubles
such
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 as
healt
Correct your spelling
health
 issues, mental problems and so on.
This
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 essay will
Correct your spelling
discuss
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discus
Correct your spelling
discuss
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 these
Correct your spelling
aspects
asspects
Correct your spelling
aspects
, give examples and explanations about the topic
To begin
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 with, mobile phones are one of the best tools for entertainment. So,
children
Use synonyms
 watch videos on social media platforms,
play
Correct word choice
and play
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 games to make fun. But all of these programs are designed
for catching
Change preposition
to catch
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 users as long as possible and it causes long screen times. It brings some health problems with itself like eye disease.
According to
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 the research
providing
Wrong verb form
provided
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 by
World
Correct article usage
the World
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 Health
Oranisation
Correct your spelling
Organisation
Organization
 (WHO) in 2012 after the year 2000 the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of people who use eyeglasses
due to
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 poor vision increased by 4 times. They explain, "
the
Capitalize word
The
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 reason behind it is the popularity of using information technologies like computers,
smarphones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
 and the harmful blue light they display". 
In addition
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, spending time behind
screen
Add an article
a screen
the screen
show examples
 so much can create problems in
social
Correct article usage
the social
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 skills of
children
Use synonyms
such
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 as communication,
fluent
Correct word choice
and fluent
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 speaking,
as well as
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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weakens
psychological
Correct pronoun usage
their psychological
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strenght
Correct your spelling
strength
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. When
clidren
Correct your spelling
children
 engage with virtual things like video games, they don't need to communicate with someone. Because these activities are more interesting rather than
to have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
conversation
Fix the agreement mistake
conversations
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 with anyone or
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 with other kids. That situation leads to
be
Wrong verb form
being
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introvert
Replace the word
introverted
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 and the
children
Use synonyms
 who have that bad
habbits
Correct your spelling
habits
, experience
diffuculties
Correct your spelling
difficulties
to make
Change preposition
in making
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 friendships.
Moreover
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, they become less self-confident. In turn, these drawbacks of technology
affects
Change the verb form
affect
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 their entire life poorly. In conclusion, smartphones mainly
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 bad development for
children
Use synonyms
. To correct
disadvantages
Correct pronoun usage
their disadvantages
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, parents should limit the usage of these devices for
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 and future of their
children
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
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, they have to teach the true way to get valuable
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 and skills from IT.

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task achievement
Clarify your thesis statement in the introduction to make your position on whether smartphone usage is positive or negative clearer. For instance, you might directly state your opinion in one sentence rather than stating both sides.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure to check spelling and grammatical errors, such as ‘children’ instead of ‘childrens’ and ‘health issues’ instead of ‘healt issues’. These affect clarity and coherence.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points, which could improve your score in the 'relevant specific examples' category. For instance, referencing specific games or types of content that are common among children could enhance your argument.
content
Your points regarding health issues and social skills are relevant and show a good understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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