IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Some offspring dedicate several hours each day to using their smartphones. The essay thinks that the reason for the case is the lack of alternative activities and finds it a negative development in terms of several health problems that can be caused by
such
Linking Words
 overuse.
To begin
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 with, Life of the modern society depends on phones too much, obviously, that refers not only to adults but
also
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 to
children
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. Limited outdoor play or hobbies lead
children
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 to rely on smartphones for entertainment. In many urban environments, there is no access to playgrounds and
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 facilities.
As a result
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, it leads
children
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 to stay indoors and spend
time
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 on their devices.
In other words
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, The UN report from 2021 suggests that more than 60% of
children
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 worldwide do not have access to proper recreational facilities
due to
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 urbanization, poverty, and safety concerns. In low-income areas, about 70% of
children
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 lack parks, playgrounds, or organized activities.
Consequently
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, many rely on smartphones and digital entertainment as their main source of fun, spending more
time
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 on screens. In that case, the trend demonstrates negative development because it has a harmful impact on
children
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's health.
For instance
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, prolonged usage of gadgets causes eye strain, vision problems, and back pain,
as well as
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 sleep disturbances.
Furthermore
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, the lack of physical activity causes mental problems,
such
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 as anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. Studies by Cambridge University say that
children
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 who spend more than 2 hours per day are more likely to have mental issues than ones who spend less
time
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. In conclusion,
children
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 have high on-screen
time
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 since not having recreational facilities and the provided essay believes that it is a negative development owing to both physical and mental damage to juveniles' health.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that all parts of the task are thoroughly addressed. While you have explained the reasons and provided your viewpoint on the issue, the analysis could benefit from more depth and connections between points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. While your essay has a structure, linking phrases or clearer transitions between points could make the argument more fluid and easy to follow.
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate more variety in sentence structures and vocabulary. This can help to engage the reader and make your argument more compelling. Be mindful of slightly repetitive phrases to avoid monotony.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your points, particularly regarding statistics from the UN and studies from Cambridge University, which strengthens your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that successfully reaffirms the main arguments presented in the body paragraphs.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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