IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their wealth and glamour rather than their achievements, and this sets bad example to young people. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Recently, more
celebrities
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 have become popular because of their glam
lifestyles
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 than their works.
In
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With
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 the rise of the social media era, famous
people
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such
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 as influencers or content creators tend to flex their money in order to get attention from their followers. I agree that
this
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 phenomenon has bad effects on
people
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, especially the younger
generation
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.
This
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 essay will explain why the glamorous habits of
celebrities
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 have negative impacts. Influencers tend to show their luxurious life on their social media. They show off their branded bags, sports cars, or fancy dinners. They promote that their luxury activities are an ordinary thing that everyone should have. Because of
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this
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these
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 habits, the young
generation
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 has become more money-oriented.
For example
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,
people
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 are willing to do anything even if it is criminals as long as they get money to pay for their
lifestyles
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. A survey showed that prostitution increased among young women.
Additionally
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, the theft rate increased, especially in suburban areas.
Moreover
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, the flexing trends which are popularized by
celebrities
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 increase the consumerism behaviour among their followers. They want to have the same life as their idols which encourages them to buy expensive goods.
However
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, they often afford things beyond their capacity.
Then
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, to fulfill their
lifestyles
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, they take
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debts
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on debts
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 which lead to future problems.
For instance
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, a study showed that online
debts
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 among
people
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 aged 20-35 years old increased over the
last
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 3 years. Unfortunately, they took
debts
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 for consumption purposes
instead
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 of productive purposes.
As a result
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, they fail to pay their
debts
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 because of their lack of financial capacity. In conclusion, the pretentious
lifestyles
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 of
celebrities
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 have negative influences on young
people
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. Since the young
generation
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 wants to follow the influencer's behaviours, they tend to switch their behaviours beyond their ability. In order to keep the younger
generation
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 better, we need to normalize to give popularity to
people
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 that have good influence and achievement.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your points are clearly linked within and between paragraphs to enhance coherence.
task achievement
Try to deepen your explanation of how young people mimic celebrities' behaviors and its broader societal impacts.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, setting a solid structure.
task achievement
Examples used to support the argument are relevant and help illustrate the main points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • achievements
  • skewed values
  • aspirations
  • media
  • highlighting
  • philanthropy
  • raising awareness
  • role models
  • success
  • hard work
  • talent
  • dedication
  • appearances
  • luxurious lifestyle
  • public's expectations
  • mental health issues
  • influence
  • fields
  • counterargument
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