Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Other thinki that it is better to work for different organisations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Some people believe individuals must stay loyal to
one
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particular
company
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all their job
life
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. Others believe that it has a lot of benefits o
work
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in different companies.
Although
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it is better to
work
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in
one
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organisation because individuals can get promoted after a
while
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I believe that working in different
organisation
Fix the agreement mistake
organisations
show examples
can help
wit
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
gaining
work
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experience
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. On the
one
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hand, working in
one
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company
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throughout the whole period of
work
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life
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can help with
individual’s
Correct article usage
an individual’s
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financial status.
This
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is because they would get promoted after a
while
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working in the department.
Therefore
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, they would earn more money
at the end
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of their
career
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.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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a
company
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called Mercedes promote their employees who
were
Wrong verb form
have been
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working in the
company
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for above 15 years.
Furthermore
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, their position will be
leveled
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levelled
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up because the
company
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know the worker is loyal
at
Change preposition
to
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them because they stayed for a long time.
In contrast
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, I think it is preventing
Correct pronoun usage
me to
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to gain
Change preposition
from gaining
show examples
more
work
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experience
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.
On the other hand
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, switching
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work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
help the individual to gain more
working
Replace the word
work
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experience
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.
Additionally
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,
this
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can be turned into
successful
Correct article usage
a successful
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job
life
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. Because the person who has more
experience
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are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
likely to be successful
for
Change preposition
in
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having more knowledge.
For instance
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, many people
starts
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start
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to
having
Change the verb
have
show examples
a job in their teenage years because they know that having more
work
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experience
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helps with gaining
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
and it will benefit their future
career
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. I believe
this
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can help the person to
be appeared
Change to the active voice
appear
have appeared
show examples
in many cases. In conclusion, staying in the same firm whole period of
career
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can help the individual
such
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as getting promoted.
However
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, I believe that
wringing
Verb problem
working
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in many jobs can benefit the individual’s
experience
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in
career
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life
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.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction presents both views, but it can be clearer. Consider rephrasing the question and stating your opinion more explicitly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that reflects the main idea of that paragraph. This will help in developing a more logical structure.
Task Achievement
Try to elaborate more on your examples and explanations to make them more relevant and specific. This will strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
There are some minor grammatical and spelling mistakes (e.g., 'thinks' instead of 'think', 'wit' instead of 'with'). Proofreading can help reduce these errors.
Task Achievement
You present a balanced view of both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your opinion clearly.
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