IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the modern world, using animals for food or animal products, such as clothing and medicine, is no longer necessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Living in a technologically advanced world,
people
Use synonyms
 might think that there is no need for animal-based
products
Use synonyms
 in our daily ration. I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion because
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 most of the sectors that utilize
animals
Use synonyms
, there is still a huge gap between supply and demand even with the help of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
artificial supplements.
Firstly
Linking Words
, one should understand why
products
Use synonyms
 made
as a result
Linking Words
 of some chemical reactions came into
history
Correct article usage
the history
show examples
 scene. The natural outcomes
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
animals
Use synonyms
 in our world were not able to feed and cover humanity as a whole. To illustrate, our population has suffered much from
starvations
Fix the agreement mistake
starvation
show examples
 in many stages of life, especially before
discovery
Add an article
the discovery
show examples
 of America.
Therefore
Linking Words
, governments made substantial investments to foster scientists working on speeding up the growth of farm
animals
Use synonyms
. The key feature here is that the initial purpose was not to harm or injure
pill
Correct article usage
the pill
show examples
 sector or eating sector,
rather
Correct word choice
but rather
show examples
promote
Correct pronoun usage
promote it
show examples
. After a
while
Linking Words
, these studies went so far that independent entrepreneurs came in and wanted to develop plant-based
products
Use synonyms
 that do not include the use of animal flesh or skin in order to lower costs. With the help of
this
Linking Words
 smart strategy, they deceived
people
Use synonyms
 by saying that they aimed to protect animal rights. In fact, they killed
people
Use synonyms
 by underestimating
side
Correct article usage
the side
show examples
 effects of
products
Use synonyms
. Today,
world bazaar
Correct your spelling
World Bazaar
show examples
 both implements organic and injected meats, 100% leather and fake leather garments. Human-made
products
Use synonyms
 attract more and more
people
Use synonyms
 because of their unbelievable price tag, but they damage
immune
Add an article
the immune
show examples
 system and
therefore
Linking Words
, make
people
Use synonyms
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
spend much on their health problems. Trying to overcome
this
Linking Words
 difficulty, governments now promote an opposing policy. Farmers who breed non-injected
animals
Use synonyms
 use the advantage of low taxes and
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 profit index. A second
initiate
Replace the word
initiative
show examples
 of extracting unaffected meats and leathers would become the end of our life, in my opinion. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 current time has experienced many advancements in many areas, we should not let these advancements put our development back by introducing affected, genetically changed creations to our households

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Strengthen the logical flow of your ideas by ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument.
content
You raise important points about the historical need for animal products and the implication of their absence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ethical consumption
  • sustainability
  • veganism
  • synthetic alternatives
  • bioengineering
  • animal welfare
  • culturally ingrained
  • biodiversity
  • a shift in paradigm
  • intensive farming
  • environmental footprint
  • plant-based
  • animal testing
  • cruelty-free
  • conservation efforts
What to do next:
Look at other essays: