IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?

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These days, through
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
science and technology
developed
Verb problem
apply
show examples
, there are all kinds of social media.
People
Use synonyms
 can use these tools
talk
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to talk
show examples
 about
music
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 with different
people
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 who come from different backgrounds.
This
Linking Words
 trend is popular and common all over the world.In my opinion, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 point. On the one hand, through talking about
music
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 can break down the boundaries of location and age. Listening to
music
Use synonyms
 is just like a personal
hoby
Correct your spelling
hobby
.
People
Use synonyms
 can talk about different kinds of
music
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 with friends. In
this
Linking Words
 process, they can make more friends from different
proviences
Correct your spelling
provinces
 and even other countries.
Thay
Correct your spelling
They
show examples
 can
also
Linking Words
 make some friendships between generations. When
people
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 listen to
music
Use synonyms
 with their friends together, they will forget the pressure during a long time of working or studying.
In addition
Linking Words
, through the development of science and technology,
people
Use synonyms
 can talk with
people
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 who come from all over the world. It is a good way to open their mind,
learn
Correct word choice
and learn
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different
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about different
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 cultures and unique
history
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histories
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.
People
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 can even learn a foreign language in
this
Linking Words
 process. It is a great method to improve personal self-esteem and cultural confidence.
Peopel
Correct your spelling
People
 can get abilities to talk with
people
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 from all walks of
live
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life
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, different
people
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 come from different nations, and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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listening to the
samemusic
Correct your spelling
same music
 together will bring some cultural conflict.
However
Linking Words
,
people
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 usually seek common points
while
Linking Words
 reserving
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
. In conclusion,
people
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 should be encouraged to share
music
Use synonyms
 with
people
Use synonyms
come
Correct pronoun usage
who come
show examples
 from different countries and different ages. It is one of the most important ways to bring
people
Use synonyms
 together.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but it could be strengthened by explicitly stating the thesis at the end to guide the reader further. Make sure to define the topic more robustly.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the linkage between your ideas and paragraphs to improve the overall flow. For example, transition words or phrases can be used to connect thoughts more clearly.
task achievement
When providing examples, make sure they are specific and detailed to strengthen your argument. The mention of social media is relevant, but you could elaborate on specific platforms or interactions.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, summarise the key points more succinctly to reinforce your arguments clearly and effectively. It helps to remind the reader of your main ideas one last time.
task achievement
You have a clear understanding of the benefits of talking about music across cultures and generations, which is a great starting point for your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay shows good enthusiasm and engagement with the topic, making it enjoyable to read.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-employment
  • freelancing
  • entrepreneurship
  • autonomy
  • financial stability
  • work-life balance
  • financial insecurity
  • lack of support
  • resources
  • long working hours
  • uncertain income
  • job security
What to do next:
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