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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many children nowadays are spending more time inside rather than outside. Is this a positive or negative trend

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Nowadays, a significant number of adolescents are spending their time inside
instead
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 of outside because of their addiction to gadgets.
This
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 is mostly a negative
development
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 which leads to certain health problems and issues with communication. First of all,
this
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 modern tendency to spend hours under the roof is obviously negative for children's
development
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due to
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 the dearth of vitamins and the stress on the organism.
In other words
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, an individual's organism at a young age is rapidly and permanently developing so it requires a connection with nature to receive the necessary nutrients.
For example
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, vitamins D and A are beneficial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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skin and eye
development
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while
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 vitamin C improves a child's immunity.
Hence
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, staying in the room for a long time leads to the degradation of the body, especially at a young age.
Additionally
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, despite the fact that social media and technologies are ubiquitous at present, it does not mean that they can replace a real conversation and develop social skills effectively.
This
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 is mostly
since
Change preposition
because
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 face-to-face meetings are able to provide an actual experience of communication compared with artificial dialogues on the internet. To illustrate,
according to
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 a recent study, the majority of children,who are addicted to gadgets, cannot support a real dialogue for more than 10 minutes compared to their parents at the same age.
To conclude
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,
it is clear that
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 the new trend of staying inside is a negative
development
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due to
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 the risk of degradation from the dearth of vitamins.
Moreover
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, it can
also
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 limit the child's soft skills
development
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 as it does not provide any real conversation experience.

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task achievement
Strengthen the introduction by providing a clearer thesis statement that outlines the main reasons why this trend is negative.
task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples or data to support the claims made in the body paragraphs for stronger argumentation.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, summarise the main points more explicitly to reinforce the argument presented in the essay.
task achievement
The essay presents clear arguments about the negative effects of staying indoors, including health issues and communication problems.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the importance of vitamins, demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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