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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

one of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think advantages outweigh disadvantages?

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Nowadays, the results of improved health
care
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 are that
people
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 expect to live longer and their quality of life would be better.
Although
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 medications covered by medical
care
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 can reduce the number of diseases, I believe there are more drawbacks compared with the benefits because some medications can have
side
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effects
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. New treatments are often covered by the medical
care
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.
Therefore
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, many
people
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 believe that they will live longer because they will be free from the disease they have currently.
For example
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, many cancer survivors commonly say that without medical
care
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, they would not survive because treatments are really expensive.
Additionally
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, there are some medications that can not be found in that region
Correct pronoun usage
that
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are delivered from another country. Which would cost a ton but thanks to health
care
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 citizens are not paying a dime.
However
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, I believe these treatments can have
side
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effects
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. Unfortunately, not all human bodies are the same. There is a thing that some human bodies can not respond to a treatment accurately. To elaborate, some
people
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 expect to heal with the medication which is covered by health
care
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.
Nevertheless
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, the medication can cause
side
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effects
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such
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 as heart disease.
For instance
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, there was a disease called Corona Virus which took the sense of smelling and tasting. After a
while
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,
healthcarecare
Correct your spelling
healthcare care
health care care
came up with a vaccine, with the main aim of decreasing the prodding of the virus.
However
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, it managed to stop the spreading, but so many
people
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 have died because it had
side
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effects
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 on the heart and many parts of the body.
This
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 is why I believe it has more drawbacks
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because it took many lives from us. In conclusion,
although
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 with the help of medical
care
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, many diseases have been cured, I believe that many
people
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 have died because many medicines
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 drawbacks on the human body.

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task achievement
Provide a clearer thesis statement in the introduction that directly addresses the question of whether advantages outweigh disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly connect your ideas and paragraphs. Transition phrases can help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
task achievement
Expand on your examples and provide more detailed explanations to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You successfully identified both the advantages and disadvantages of improved medical care.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively summarize your main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • consequences
  • improved medical care
  • life expectancy
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • healthcare
  • quality of life
  • population
  • economic burden
  • elderly
  • dependency
  • technology
  • ethical concerns
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