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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduatees get better jobs. Other believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from yourown experience or knowledge.

Nowadays, several
people
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 feel that the goal of
a
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apply
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university
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education
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 is to assist graduates of
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university
Add an article
the university
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 to obtain jobs
be
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apply
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better. Others think there are a lot of advantages
of
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to
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university
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education
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 for both
individuals
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 and society. It is certainly true that one of the main purposes of
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university
Add an article
a university
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 is to secure
a better jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a better job
better jobs
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. the majority of
people
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 desire to improve their future career prospects and attending
university
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 is one of the best ways to do
this
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 as it enhances
a
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apply
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marketable skills of a person and attractiveness to potential employers.
In addition
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,
further
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education
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 is very expensive for many
people
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, so most would not consider it if it would not provide them with a more secure future and a higher standard of living.
Thus
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 job prospects are very essential.
On the other hand
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, there are other benefits for
individuals
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 and societies.
Firstly
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, the independence of living away from home is a benefit because it helps the students develop better social skills and improve as a person. A case in point is that many students have to leave their families. Live in halls of residence and meet new friends.
As a result
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, their maturity and confidence will grow enabling them to live more fulfilling lives.
secondly
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, society will gain from the contribution that the graduates can make to the economy. We are living in a very competitive world, so countries need educated
people
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 in order to compete and prosper. So, a well-educated workforce is essential for a nation's economic growth. Graduates bring innovative ideas, skilled labour, and higher productivity, which can improve various sectors
such
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 as healthcare, technology, and business.
This
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 can ultimately lead to better standards of living for everyone. In conclusion,
while
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 securing a job is an important goal of
university
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education
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, its benefits extend far beyond that.
University
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 not only provides
individuals
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 with valuable career prospects but
also
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 helps in personal development and contributes to the advancement of society.
Thus
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,
university
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education
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 is a crucial investment for both
individuals
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 and the broader community.

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Clarity
Avoid using awkward phrases like 'assist graduates of university to obtain jobs be better.' Try to phrase it more clearly, such as 'help graduates secure better jobs.'
Grammar
Make sure to capitalize the first letter of sentences and proper nouns. This small detail adds to the professionalism of your writing.
Specificity
Consider providing more specific examples to support your points, such as mentioning particular degrees that lead to high employability or societal advancements.
Content
You successfully discussed both views on the topic, which demonstrates a balanced approach.
Structure
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your points and reinforces your opinion about the importance of university education.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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