The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The action to solve the concerns in the health care system is becoming tense because of the increasing number of individuals struggling with obesity. More physical education lessons are offered to be added to the school system to eradicate the problem. I strongly agree with
this
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view because it contributes to acquiring long-term healthy habits and reduces the sedentary lifestyle. One compelling reason for the implementation of active exercises is building an active lifestyle up from students' childhood periods. Not only do they benefit tremendously by participating in sports events, but it
also
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prevents gaining other detrimental habitual traits which lead to the overweight.
For example
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, provided statistics by the Ministry of Health and Wellbeing of Kazakhstan prove that alumni, who used to be active during their school years, have a tendency to gain weight 45% less than other groups.
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, the aspiration to maintain a fit body is observed among the participants in their
further
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future. Having moved frequently, children reduce the time in the sitting position. If they move frequently during the academic year, they probably will not develop the habits
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as phone addiction and laziness.
Furthermore
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, lessons in physical education provide a well-rounded awareness of the essential importance of remaining physically engaged.
For instance
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, Japan includes more activity in the children's timetable by making students sit less and engage in outdoor activities.
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, the rate of obesity is considered to be the lowest in the world they spend the least amount of time on social media. If other countries followed
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approach, the well-being of humanity would have improved considerably. In conclusion, even though the proportion of overweight humans is rising gradually year by year. It is predicted that the issue can be solved by implementing more physical activities in the curriculum of children, as they assist in maintaining beneficial habits for their future and cut down on prolonged sitting time.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your agreement and presents the main points you will discuss. However, consider rephrasing for clarity and conciseness.
coherence and cohesion
The main points are well-structured, but some sentences could be further refined for better clarity. Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to enhance coherence.
task achievement
While you provided relevant examples, consider expanding on them to provide a deeper analysis of the impact of physical education on obesity. This would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Try to avoid grammatical inaccuracies. For instance, the phrase 'struggling with obesity' could be simplified to 'who are obese.'
task achievement
Your use of statistics and examples, such as those from Kazakhstan and Japan, adds credibility to your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
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