IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Employers should ensure that there are equal numbers of males and females in managerial posts in companies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#employers #numbers #males #females #posts #companies
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Some people are of the opinion that the number of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in a managerial post must be the same in a company. I strongly disagree with
this
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 idea mainly
due to
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 the importance of being competent as a manager. It is my view that sex is not a mere item for choosing individuals for managers.
This
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 selection should depend on personal criteria.
For example
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, a quick-witted person makes precise decisions in critical situation.
In addition
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, undoubtedly, relevant credential qualifications are another factor in order to admit people as a manager. To clarify, having access to basic academic knowledge helps to benefit from tips and tricks for controlling organizations.
Furthermore
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, some
women
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 and
men
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 are more likely to be reluctant to manage some particular departments.
For instance
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, woman cannot stand a harsh atmosphere and controlling awkward circumstances,
such
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 as construction sites or digging a mine.
Therefore
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, these positions almost are filled by
men
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.
As a result
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 of these desires,
equality
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 cannot be appeared.
In contrast
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, some people claim that
equality
Use synonyms
 among the number of
women
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 and
men
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 managers leads to cooperation in a working atmosphere.
As a result
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 of
this
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equality
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, problems can be solved better
due to
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 difference
men
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’s and
women
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’s personalities. They can transfer experiences and share tasks.
This
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 gives rise to fruitful results and promotes a business.
However
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, I believe it is not a valid idea because employers can consider a psychological test before select a manager.
Then
Linking Words
, they diligent tasks based on the result of that test that shows each person’s ability and personality. In conclusion, I completely agree with the
equality
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 of the number of
men
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 and
women
Use synonyms
 managers in companies. for
this
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 selection, employers should consider people’s abilities rather than their sex merely.
Submitted by kargar.mh1992 on

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task achievement
To enhance your score, focus on developing clearer and more comprehensive ideas. Each point should be thoroughly elaborated with relevant examples and evidence. Try to avoid minor grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for better fluency.
coherence cohesion
Work on your logical structuring by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Use more varied and advanced linking words to connect ideas, and ensure each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence.
introduction conclusion present
You have a strong introduction and conclusion, which help frame your argument well. Your main points are relevant and supported by examples.
complete response
You provide a clear and comprehensive response to the task, addressing the main aspects of the prompt.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender balance
  • systemic biases
  • meritocracy
  • innovative
  • inclusive decision-making
  • diverse management teams
  • financial performance
  • employee satisfaction
  • corporate culture
  • progressive
  • equal opportunities
  • equal outcomes
  • quota systems
  • representation
  • leadership perspectives
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