IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think advantage of charging people for admission to museum outweigh the disadvantages?

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There is no doubt that these days the charge of admission has been playing a significant role in some museums . The question is , what is the main
advantage
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 of that ? In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I am going to discuss
this
Linking Words
issue
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 and I draw my own conclusion.
Firstly
Linking Words
 , the major merit of that increase the budget of the
museum
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 . To explain , when the manager of the
museum
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 imposes a fee for people who are visiting , the income of the
museum
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 has sharp growth ,
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result of that can develop a facility and building of the
museum
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.
Linking Words
for
Capitalize word
For
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 example, in Oman the
department
Capitalize word
Department
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 of cave al
houta
Correct your spelling
house
hosta
should be payment of fee about three rials per adults and free for children ,
qonsicount
Correct your spelling
noncount
 that assist to promote
building
Add an article
the building
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 of
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museum
Add an article
the museum
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.
Thus
Linking Words
 , the major
advantage
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 of the
issue
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 is an increase
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
income
Correct article usage
the income
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 of
Use synonyms
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
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. The second
advantage
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 of
this
Linking Words
issue
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 is motivation for
education
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 . To clarify , some categories of young people especially students who go to school lead to discover the place which has enchant history and culture , so that these categories pay for these places that give them enjoyment and motivation for
education
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 about
this
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 place .
For instance
Linking Words
, my brother visited all the museums in Oman and he
pays
Wrong verb form
paid
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 around 100 rials for that
due to
Linking Words
the
Change the word
his
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 interest in the
museum
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 and discovery.
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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interest
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 and discovery is the second positive thing . In
conclusion
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conclusion,
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 I strongly believe that there are a number of advantages of
this
Linking Words
issue
Use synonyms
 that are a motivation for
education
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 and an increased income of the
museum
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.I think the
advantage
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 outweighs the
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the topic and outlines your intention to discuss the advantages of charging admission fees for museums. However, consider rephrasing for clarity and fluency, such as: 'This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of charging admission fees for museums and conclude with my perspective on the issue.'
task achievement
While you provide some relevant examples, try to ensure they are directly linked to the point you are making. For instance, when discussing the financial benefits, a comparison with free museums could strengthen your argument about the impact on budget and resources.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs have a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, consider using linking words and phrases (e.g., 'Firstly', 'Additionally', 'In contrast') more effectively to help guide the reader through your arguments and improve cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, make sure to restate your main points succinctly, reinforcing the argument that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This solidifies the reader's understanding of your perspective.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents distinct advantages regarding charging admission fees.
task achievement
You have included personal examples, which add a unique touch and help illustrate your points more vividly.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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