IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The shopping habits of people depend more on their age group than on any other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

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There have been debates that shopping
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is changing and depending on each time.
While
Linking Words
 it is argued by some that
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 is the key that directly
relate
Change the verb form
relates
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 purchasing
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
, others consider that it can be average in any
factors
Fix the agreement mistake
factor
show examples
, and not depend only on one reason.
This
Linking Words
 essay completely agrees with the former, because there are different personal consumptions like entertainment and even their
surrounded social
Verb problem
surroundings
show examples
 during their daily life. First of all, individuals have their own personal usage. To illustrate,
people
Use synonyms
 in
Add an article
the aging
an aging
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 range between 5 to 9 years old are just minors, and it can be seen that important goods for them are mainly toys and books or any kid's product,
while
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 that
againg
Correct your spelling
again
 around 10 to 17 (
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
) tend to change their styles
due to
Linking Words
 their peer's activities to match with each other, and
that is
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 the general things that we can see in our secondary school until university.
In addition
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, when they are growing up and turning into office worker, they have to improve their personal appearance to them look more professional, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they have to buy
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such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 like new
outfit
Fix the agreement mistake
outfits
show examples
 and perfumes.
Secondly
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, when we look closer
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 many
elderlies
Replace the word
elderly people
show examples
 around us, it is
prominent
Correct word choice
obvious
show examples
 that old
people
Use synonyms
 missing their music/fashion from their teenage culture, it can be seen
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their unique fashion.
For instance
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, in the shopping
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
, even
we
Correct word choice
if we
show examples
are not look
Change the verb form
are not looking
show examples
 at the tag in detail about their target group we still easily
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
differentiate which is
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
perfect stuff for our
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
, and most of them are
weared
Correct your spelling
worn
show examples
 by
people
Use synonyms
 in the same age ranges as our parent as well. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 essay totally agrees that shopping habits directly relate
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 age group,
due to
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 their
environtment
Correct your spelling
environment
, personal responsibility, and their influenced culture
while
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 they growing up.

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What works well

1
task achievement

Your examples of different age groups and their shopping habits show a keen understanding of the topic.

Improvement Suggestions

3
task achievement

Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction, providing a concise thesis statement that outlines your main argument.

coherence and cohesion

Improve the flow of ideas by using linking devices effectively to connect your points more smoothly.

task achievement

Provide clearer examples that directly relate to your main points, ensuring they enhance your argument rather than just serve as illustrations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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