IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

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There is no denying the fact that
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people
Change noun form
people's
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health
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 is deteriorating as they
gain
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 more
weight
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.
Linking Words
while It
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While it
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 is a commonly held belief that gaining
weight
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, lowers your fitness and
health
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 level, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion
consider
Verb problem
apply
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weight
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gain
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 is not the only cause of
health
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 impaction, there
is is
Wrong verb form
are
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 other factors
contribute
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that contribute
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 as well.
To begin
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 with, gaining fat is not
an
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a
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 difficult issue.
In other words
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 ,all it needs
you
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is you
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 just to eat, don't exercise, eat fast food as much as you can.
In addition
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, phone addiction
that
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has
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 led to a significant increase in
obesity
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 rates worldwide.
For example
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, eating
while
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 holding
phone
Correct article usage
a phone
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 makes the person eat more. Another point to consider developing unhealthy
habit
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habits
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,
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apply
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 brings over other ones. It is
also
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 possible to say that, sleeping late increases rates of
obesity
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.
Moreover
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, as
people
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 decrease their Sleeping hours, they eat more, especially at late night.
For instance
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, Video game players,
usually
Add a missing verb
are usually
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 Susceptible to
eat
Wrong verb form
eating
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 more and
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gain
Wrong verb form
gaining
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weight
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, as they stay awake, focused,and in one place for a long time. In order to minimize
weight
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gain
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 rates. It's important to
develope
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develop
Correct article usage
a
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healthy
life style
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lifestyle
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,
stik
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stick
to
Change preposition
on
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healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 diet, and monitor
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy sleep. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that
,
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apply
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 it is not
obesity
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 the cause of decreasing
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people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health
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 and Fitness, as
this
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 problem involves several factors and
obesity
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 is one of them.

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Task Achievement
The introduction could be clearer by more explicitly stating your thesis and outlining the main points you will discuss. Consider using a more precise language while summarizing your stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to maintain a clear structure in your paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single clear idea with a topic sentence.
Lexical Resource
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and grammatical structures to enhance your essay. For example, instead of 'gaining fat,' you could say 'weight gain.'
Task Achievement
Provide specific examples that illustrate your points. For example, you can elaborate on how phone addiction contributes to unhealthy eating habits by providing more details on statistical data or studies.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the topic and presents a viewpoint, which is a fundamental requirement.
Task Achievement
There are several relevant points made about the contributing factors to weight gain and their effects, showing a good understanding of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
What to do next:
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