IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some People fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There is no denying the fact that as
mass
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media
Use synonyms
 and
transport
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 continue to grow, will affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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cultural identity.
while
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held
believe
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belief
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 that modernization and technology are the
leader
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leaders
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 of
this
Linking Words
 century, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider
mass
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 communication and
transport
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 helped
people
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 not to become more and more alike but to know each other
cultures
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. I disagree that globalization will lead to
inevitable
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the inevitable
an inevitable
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 loss of cultural identity.
To begin
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 with,
mass
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 communication and
transport
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 evolved Since 2000 and even before. In
other word
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another word
other words
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that is
Linking Words
 enough time for societies to forget their
cultures
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, but what happened is totally different. By using social
media
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people
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went
Verb problem
get
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 to know each other more, through their phones they can travel to different countries, see their
customes
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customs
customers
 and habits, increase their knowledge and enjoy.
In addition
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, We can say that technology led to a noticeable cultural mingling.
For example
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,
marriage
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the marriage
a marriage
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 of
people
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 from different countries and even
cultures
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 is
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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common nowadays. Another point to consider,
media
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 is so important in developing
buisinesses
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businesses
business
, it makes your business
presperous
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prosperous
 and
reachout
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reach out
 to a multicultural society. It is
also
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 possible to say that
people
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 began to gain money from
media
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 through different platforms.
Moreover
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,
people
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 started to
adapt
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adopt
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 their platforms on Social
media
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 as their main source of income.
For instance
Linking Words
, some video creators travel to
variety
Add an article
a variety
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 of countries
as
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apply
show examples
to show
people
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 their
cultures
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,
customes
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customs
, habits and
the
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apply
show examples
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
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 of living there, and gain money as well. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that
mass
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 communication and
transport
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 development
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 made a great positive impact on
cultures
Use synonyms
 and societies.

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task achievement
The introduction presents a clear thesis but could be improved by rephrasing for clarity. Make sure to define key terms like 'globalization' for better understanding.
coherence and cohesion
There are some minor grammar and spelling errors (e.g., 'believe' should be 'belief', 'presperous' should be 'prosperous', 'buisinesses' should be 'businesses'). Pay attention to spelling and grammar for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Your arguments could benefit from more logical linking. For example, use transition phrases to connect ideas and ensure smooth flow within paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion on globalization and its impact.
task achievement
Examples of cultural mingling and the role of social media in cultural exchange are relevant and insightful.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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