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Writing Samples
Band 3

some children spend hours every day on their smart phones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays
children
Use synonyms
 spend all
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
 on their
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
.Absolutely it is a negative development
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because it is a harmful hobby for their physical and mental health. It has several reasons for
this
Linking Words
 habit.At
first,
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
lives
Change the verb form
live
show examples
 in small apartments
instead
Linking Words
 of big houses with free space for playing physical games.
For example
Linking Words
 ,they have to sit and play video games,play with their
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
,
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
 watch TV,etc.The
second,
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is about changes
people's
Change preposition
in people's
show examples
 lifestyles.In the past,every family had
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
many
children
Use synonyms
 and they played games with their siblings,opposite of now.These days most family has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one or two
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 not more
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 don't have any choice except
using
Change the verb form
to use
show examples
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 and
technology
Use synonyms
 for entertainment.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 situation has some positive
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
.The first one is , learning how to use
technology
Use synonyms
 and
using
Verb problem
apply
show examples
robots;
Children
Use synonyms
 have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
communication
Replace the word
communicated
show examples
 with
technology
Use synonyms
 since were born.
For example
Linking Words
,when they are 1 or 2 years old,they start
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching TV and animations , or maybe they use some advanced toys.
Therefore
Linking Words
,they understand some tips and techniques for using gadgets.
Second
Change the article
The second
show examples
 one is ,
Use synonyms
children
Correct word choice
that children
show examples
 who were born in
generation
Capitalize word
Generation
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 Z ,Alpha,and Beta are smarter than the past generation.
Then
Linking Words
 they learn quickly and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
remember everything.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in the
future
Add a comma
future,
show examples
 they can enhance
technology
Use synonyms
. In summary,disadvantages are more than advantages.
Due to
Linking Words
,
phisycal
Correct your spelling
physical
 and mental health,become lazy,don't challenge their minds,and don't
brainstorming
Wrong verb form
brainstorm
show examples
.These
are have
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 negative effects on
children
Use synonyms
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument against children spending excessive time on smartphones, but it could be strengthened by elaborating on the negative effects in more detail and considering the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly.
coherence and cohesion
Consider improving the logical flow of your essay. For example, the transition between reasons for smartphone use and the positive aspects could be smoother. Try to use linking phrases to better connect your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to separate your ideas clearly into paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea or argument, which will improve clarity and organization.
task achievement
You have highlighted both the negative and positive aspects of children spending time on smartphones, showing that you can consider different perspectives.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion on the matter, which establishes a strong position from the beginning of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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