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Writing Samples
Band 5

Question: children are Facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social, and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of this pressure and what measures should be taken to reduce this pressure?

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Nowadays, the burdens received by
children
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 increase in terms of academic, social, and commercial achievements. Some causes influence
children
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's condition.
First,
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social
media
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 gives the standards to achieve by
children
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.
Moreover
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,
children
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also
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 face higher competition with their peers.
Additionally
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,
children
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also
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 receive higher expectations for
life
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, especially from their
parents
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, which could give more pressure. The rise of social
media
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 shows that
life
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 standards should be achieved by
children
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 which leverages the
stress
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 for them. Influencers and celebrities like to share their
life
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 achievement on their social
media
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.
This
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 will have an effect on how the
children
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 decide their
life
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 goals.
For example
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,
children
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 will think a successful person is someone
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 has a lot of money.
Hence
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, it is important to teach
children
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 to use social
media
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 wisely.
Furthermore
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, the competition is getting higher day by day.
As a result
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,
children
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 become more competitive.
As a consequence
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,
children
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 tend to compare their achievements to their peers. Unfortunately, the pressure is more prevalent among
children
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 from high-income households since they live in a more competitive environment.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should emphasize that everyone has their own values so it is not good to compare ourselves with other's achievements. The higher expectations
also
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 exacerbate the
stress
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 received by the
children
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.
Parents
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 tend to compare their lives to their
children
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's lives. Not only that,
parents
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 are more likely to set
children
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's goals in the future which
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a bad influence on
children
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 health's condition. A study shows that the
stress
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 levels of
children
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 were higher when they had higher-income
parents
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. It is because they were expected to have more successful jobs than their
parents
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. It is important for
parents
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 to control their expectations and realize that
children
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 have the right to decide their own lives. In conclusion, both internal and external
influence
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influences
show examples
 have impacts on
children
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's
stress
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to provide a more comprehensive introduction that outlines the causes and measures you will discuss.
task achievement
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing the main points and offering a clear, final thought or recommendation.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay and enhance readability.
task achievement
You clearly identified several causes of pressure on children, such as social media influence and parental expectations.
task achievement
The use of examples, like the impact of social media, adds depth to your explanation and helps illustrate your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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