IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that government funding for schools should be spent on science subjects rather than on other subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The
government
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 plays an important role in supporting education, one of which is by distributing
funds
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 to schools. Some people argue that educational
funds
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 should be allocated more to
science
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fields
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 compared to other subjects. I completely disagree with
this
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 opinion, and
further
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 reasons will be explained in detail in
this
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 essay.
First,
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it should be acknowledged that not all
students
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 are interested in
science
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 subjects, and
this
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 would appear highly contradictory to those who have a passion for other
fields
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. Focusing solely on
science
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 would seem unfair and limit
students
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' opportunities to explore their abilities and skills.
Students
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 might feel that the
government
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 is solely supporting those with an interest in
science
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,
while
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 those who are interested in other
fields
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,
such
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 as the arts, would feel discriminated against.
For example
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, my younger sibling is very interested in music, particularly singing, but there were no facilities in school to support that interest, forcing them to choose a different path that contradicts their abilities. The Indonesian
government
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 does have several facilities supporting careers in music, but in reality,
this
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 passion can only be realized by those who have the financial means. Those with limited financial resources may feel they are not entitled to pursue their dreams.
On the other hand
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, allocating
funds
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 to
science
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fields
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 would stifle the potential of individuals in other areas, leading to a homogenization of skills. The high funding received by the
science
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fields
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also
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 becomes one of the indicators in the creation of job opportunities related to the field of study, forcing people to choose
science
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 out of fear of not finding employment in other
fields
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.
For instance
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, the Taiwanese
government
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 allocates nearly 70% of job opportunities related to semiconductors, resulting in many
students
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 choosing to study physics, mathematics, and programming.
In contrast
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, companies outside
this
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 field, which require different skill sets, struggle to find workers with the necessary expertise. In conclusion, allocating
funds
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 appropriately will have a positive long-term impact and benefit various sectors of society.

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task achievement
Consider providing more concrete examples to support your arguments, especially in the second body paragraph, where you discuss the impact of funding on job opportunities.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph relate to and support that idea cohesively.
task achievement
The essay has a clear position that is consistently maintained throughout, which is critical for task achievement.
task achievement
The use of personal examples adds a relatable touch to your argument, enhancing reader engagement.
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