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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that what children watch influences their behavior, while others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviors most. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Nowadays, some individuals argue that
children
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's
behaviour
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 is affected by what they see in reality, whilst
others
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 assume that numerous teenagers spend lots of time on television which mostly influences their
behaviour
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explore the reasons for both sides
,
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apply
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 and explain what I think about
this
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 problem. On the one hand, people usually recognize that
children
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 tend to copy the
actions
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 of
others
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 when they experience those
actions
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. Their
behaviour
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 would influence their future, and lead to dangerous
things
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 that they are not able to know the consequences
.
Change preposition
of.
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Additionally
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,
children
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 are able to learn or copy something easily when they are young, so if they watch what
others
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 do even bad or good
things
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, they will learn and practice without thinking.
For instance
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, parents who often have violent
actions
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 at home where their
children
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 usually watch what their parents do, will lead
children
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 to have the same
actions
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.
Therefore
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, people should take care of their
children
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 and always have the right
actions
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 in front of them.
On the other hand
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, some individuals believe that young people are influenced by the content on television today.
Due to
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 developed digital technology, there are many platforms which attract them, so they spend most of their time on those
things
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.
Therefore
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,
this
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 is the reason that TV impacts their behaviours mostly, they spend time unlimited on gaming, and movies which contain negative content influence the
behaviour
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 of teenagers. They are able to find some content which does not fit their ages easily, so they learn from those negative
things
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,
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apply
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 and tend to copy and practice to
others
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. In conclusion, both perspectives are highly important factors which influence
children
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's behaviours.
Therefore
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, in my opinion, both parents and educators should control what students watch and learn, so they are able to prevent their
children
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 from bad
behaviour
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.

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clarity
Clarify your thesis statement in the introduction to make your position clearer. This will help the reader understand your argument better.
support
Try to provide more specific examples for the points you make, especially for the effects of both what children watch and how much time they spend on television.
structure
Ensure that your paragraphs have clear topic sentences that relate back to your thesis. This will improve the logical flow of your essay.
content
Your essay explores both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced approach to the topic.
language
You use relevant vocabulary and demonstrate a good range of sentence structures throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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