IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children’s who are taught to co operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give yout personal opinion too.

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While
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 some
people
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 believe that we should encourage
sense
Add an article
a sense
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 of
competition
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 in
children
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,
others
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 think that
children
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 who are taught to
work
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 in
team
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a team
show examples
 will be more beneficial. I support the latter view and will explain it in
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, we should consider that
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
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environment
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 will prepare
children
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 for their
future
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work
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.
Above all
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, nowadays job markets are full of unemployed
people
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. If
children
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 are taught in
competitive
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a competitive
the competitive
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environment
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, they will be superior and find
job more
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jobs
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 faster than
others
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 who
did
Wrong verb form
do
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 not.
According to
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US
Correct article usage
the US
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 employment association, more than 70% of
people
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 who have
job
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jobs
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 grew
in
Change preposition
up in
show examples
 schools, where
children
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 have
sense
Add an article
a sense
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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competition
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.
Moreover
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, these conditions will help them to be more adaptive in the
future
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.
It is clear that
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 when you want to
overpass
Verb problem
surpass
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others
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 in the
competition
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, you will try to find easier and faster ways to solve the
tasks
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.
That is
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 why competitive conditions will help
children
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 to be adaptive in the
future
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.
On the other hand
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, in our multicultural
world
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world,
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 we should teach
children
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 to
work
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 in teams and create an inclusive
environment
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. In most of the workplaces,
people
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 have to
work
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 together to solve the
tasks
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. Teaching students to cooperate in solving
tasks
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 and creating an inclusive
environment
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 will be beneficial for them in the
future
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.
For example
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, workplaces where employees have inclusive and convenient conditions show
bigger
Correct word choice
greater
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 efficiency and productivity. If students were taught to
co-operate
Correct your spelling
cooperate
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 in order to solve complicated
tasks
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, we would have more companies which have efficient and productive workers.
To conclude
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,
while
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 some believe that encouraging a sense of
competition
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 in schools is essential,
others
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, including me, think that cooperation is the key to creating a useful and productive society.

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task achievement
Consider improving the clarity of your ideas and their development. For instance, expand on how competition may help children develop specific skills that are useful in the workplace.
coherence and cohesion
Add transitions between ideas to improve the flow of your essay. A few linking phrases could make it easier for readers to follow your argument.
structure
Your introduction clearly outlines the two perspectives on competition and cooperation, setting a solid foundation for your essay.
structure
You've made a strong conclusion that summarizes your viewpoint effectively, reinforcing your main argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Strive for excellence
  • Real-world challenges
  • Foster innovation
  • Creative endeavors
  • Teamwork
  • Combine strengths
  • Achieve common goals
  • Interpersonal skills
  • Harmonious societies
  • Cohesive communities
  • Collaborative efforts
  • Well-rounded individuals
What to do next:
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