IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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The debate over the
use
Use synonyms
 of
phones
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 youngsters
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 gained significant attention,
proponents
Change preposition
with proponents
show examples
 highlighting their benefits,
while
Linking Words
 critics argue that it should be prohibited since it can affect the focus of the
students
Use synonyms
 from studying.
This
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 essay will discuss both views before presenting my own opinion. Mobile
phones
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 have been a staple in our everyday lives, morphing from basic communication tools into
mini computers
Add a hyphen
mini-computers
show examples
 we cannot live without. It is irrefutable that many children nowadays are exposed
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using
phones
Use synonyms
 at a very young age since parents allow them to
use
Use synonyms
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
For instance
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, a rising number of
filipino
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Filipino
show examples
students
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,at present days,
owns
Correct subject-verb agreement
own
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 because some of the class activities
requires
Change the verb form
require
show examples
 them to
Use synonyms
use
Correct pronoun usage
use them
show examples
,
such
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 as online classes and
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
, which provides them
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
easy access to their
further
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 studies or
quest
Fix the agreement mistake
quests
show examples
.
However
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,
this
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 trend becomes
concern
Correct article usage
a concern
show examples
 as many believe that
this
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 could have a negative
impacts
Correct the article-noun agreement
impact
show examples
 on
students
Use synonyms
 during
classes
Change the noun form
class
show examples
 hours. Many express their concern that
phones
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed during school days because learners may be tempted to
use
Use synonyms
 gadgets for social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 like
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
show examples
 and
tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
show examples
while
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 classes are ongoing which can lead them to lose interest and focus on their studies.
On the other hand
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, proponents believe that gadgets should be made
availabe
Correct your spelling
available
 to
students
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,
particulary
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particularly
 for thesis
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
.
For example
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,
laptop
Add an article
the laptop
a laptop
show examples
 is one of the vital tools
Use synonyms
use
Change the form of the verb
used
show examples
 by pupils for research
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
;
however
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,
due to
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 the high prices of
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
show examples
 not all learners can acquire one,
instead
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 they
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
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 to encode their thesis
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since some tools like
microsoft
Change the capitalization
Microsoft
show examples
 are now available
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
.
This
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 development facilitated the needs of the pupils
without
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
To sum up
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,
phones
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 can
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 both positive and negative
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 all users. There should be a balance in using gadgets for
students
Use synonyms
 as to what time and right place
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can be used.

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coherence and cohesion
In the introduction, it would be helpful to more clearly outline the specific arguments that will be discussed in the essay. This can enhance the overall clarity.
coherence and cohesion
In the body paragraphs, ensuring that each point made has a clear and logical connection to the main argument can help with overall cohesion.
task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay for spelling and grammatical errors, as these can detract from the overall quality of your writing. For example, 'filipino' should be 'Filipino' and 'availabe' should be 'available'.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, it may be beneficial to succinctly summarize the key points made, reinforcing your stance on the topic to strengthen your final statement.
task achievement
The essay does a good job of presenting both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as online classes and the use of phones for thesis activities, adds depth to your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
What to do next:
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