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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nhat 2: Some People think that the government should be responsible for crime prevention, while others believe that it is the responsibility of the individual to protect themselves. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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It is often argued that the responsibility of preventing illegal activities should be completely given to the law,
while
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 another point of view prevails as well; pointing out that it should not only be the government's endeavour and that you have to take control over your own safety. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss in
further
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 detail both standpoints
,
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apply
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 and explain why I think that the latter is remarkably the best option for society. As for the first position that defends the power bestowed to the state upon the general population, it is quite concerning how much authority has to be delivered to politicians and the police to take preemptive actions against
crime
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, given that
this
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 is equal to transferring them the tools and necessary resources to secure general surveillance, which translates to the
irrumption
Correct your spelling
irruption
 of privacy for the average person.
That is
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 to say, we are willingly passing our
right
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for
Change preposition
to
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 privacy in exchange for safety. To clarify
this
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last
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 point, it is imperative to mention that if
crime
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 occurs especially whenever there is an absence of the law,
then
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 observation, and
thus
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 spying, is the countermeasure to combat
crime
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. Regarding the second point, which states that a person has the
right
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 to dissuade
crime
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 by his own means, it could be said that it certainly exacerbates the fear of disruption of peace because of irresponsible behaviours owing to the fact that more power is given to the individual, the same civilian might incur in wrongdoings and could cause more damage proportionally to one that would not have the same power,
such
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 as a person that could acquire and possess guns.
However
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, I am of the school of thinking that whether the community is more committed to incorporating every one of its components, the citizens, accompanied with adequate values, it might end up being an effective deterrent effort towards the reduction of misdeeds.
To conclude
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,
while
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 many
advocate
Change to a plural noun
advocates
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 for the elevation of the government attributions to stop
crime
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 from occurring, at the cost of depriving the individual of his own
right
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 to privacy, I do believe that one should be conceded the opportunity to demonstrate that a well-constructed community that promotes peaceful values and that permits the regular possession of tools, like fire guns, to protect themselves, is the
right
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 path for a thriving society.

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task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument well, but it could benefit from clearer and more specific examples to strengthen the points made.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next to improve overall coherence. This can be achieved by using linking phrases more consistently.
coherence and cohesion
Consider providing a stronger and more direct conclusion that summarizes the main arguments presented throughout the essay, reinforcing your opinion more clearly.
task achievement
The writer effectively presents the complexity of the issue, showcasing an understanding of both sides of the argument, which enhances the depth of the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction sets a clear framework for the essay, clearly outlining the topic and the writer's intention to discuss both perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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