IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many parents complain that computer games have no value to their children's study. On the contrary, those online games have produced a lot of negative effects on their mental and physical development. What is your opinion?

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Nowadays, the trend of playing video
games
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 has become most popular in our social
life
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. Most people complain that these
games
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 have influenced their kids'
life
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 and health development. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss my opinion.
To begin
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 with
this
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,
computer
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games
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 help
children
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 to develop their minds and physically.
For example
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, kids can learn how to interact with another team online member
while
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 they enjoy their
games
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. At the same
time
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, they will
also
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 learn how to solve the solutions when playing these
games
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.
Secondly
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,
children
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 can have different knowledge in their
life
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instead
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 of studying in school or playing in the playground with family or friends. Their brain will become more creative,
such
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 as creating a website in Google or apps that could make their growth more colourful and more experienced.
On the other hand
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, some of them too much focus on these
games
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 which will cause them fatigue and mental health.
For example
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, kids spending too much
time
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 on
computer
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games
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 can make them feel tired.
Moreover
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, their muscle will feel painful as they always sit on the chair all the
time
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.
In addition
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, online
games
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 have a damaging effect on their performance in studying in their social
life
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such
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 as they cannot concentrate on their studies when facing to teacher or communicating with their classmate. In conclusion, it is undeniable that
computer
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games
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 are beneficial to
children
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, who
are
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apply
show examples
often use their bodies and minds to create new knowledge and the addictive nature encourages
children
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 to spend more
time
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 on them, leading them to get a negative class performance in the future, but my experience shows that playing
computer
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games
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 with a regular basis seems to be more beneficial.

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task achievement
The introduction provides your opinion, but could be clearer in stating the main arguments that will be discussed in the essay.
coherence
Some paragraphs could be more clearly structured, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single idea and linking them better together. Consider using transition words to enhance flow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to back up your points, as this will strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence
Clarify your conclusion to succinctly summarize the key points and reiterate your stance more effectively.
task achievement
You have identified both the positive and negative aspects of video games, providing a balanced view.
task achievement
Your essay is on the right track, exploring different dimensions of the impact of video games.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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