IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some would argue that the best solution to enhance citizens'
health
Use synonyms
 is by increasing the amount of
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, some believe that it would only have
ineffective
Add an article
an ineffective
show examples
 effect on public
health
Use synonyms
 and other factors should be included. I believe that
promote eat
Wrong verb form
promoting
show examples
 healthy
food
Use synonyms
 is more effective. On the one hand, increasing
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 drives
people
Use synonyms
 to do more
exercise
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is to say, limited
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 limited
people
Use synonyms
 to do,
however
Linking Words
, when the amount increased
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 increased
people
Use synonyms
 to do.
For example
Linking Words
,
public
Correct article usage
a public
show examples
 park provides a few
facilities
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 residents
to do
Verb problem
,
show examples
 but some
people
Use synonyms
would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
take
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 to wait for the
facilities
Use synonyms
,
increased
Wrong verb form
Increasing
show examples
 can
reduced
Change the verb form
reduce
show examples
 the waiting time and drive more
people
Use synonyms
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that
Correct article usage
the sport
show examples
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
increased
Verb problem
apply
show examples
will not significantly change
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
Use synonyms
 as
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more promotion to encourage
people
Use synonyms
eat
Add the particle
to eat
show examples
healthy
Change the word
healthily
show examples
. 
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are those
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 believe that
eat
Wrong verb form
eating
show examples
 healthy could
be improved
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 public
health
Use synonyms
 rather than
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 the number of
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
. Education is a
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 way to improve public
health
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 is to say,
people
Use synonyms
 understand the cause of eating unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 would
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them which could effectively reduce the number of unhealthy
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 being educated consuming too much fast
food
Use synonyms
 would affect their
health
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as heart attack, obesity or hypertension. I believe that educating
people
Use synonyms
eat
Fix the infinitive
to eat
show examples
 healthy
food
Use synonyms
 is much better than increasing the number of
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
,
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
 increased
people
Use synonyms
 have more
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
 to increase their immune system level to protect them, teaching
people
Use synonyms
 to wisely
selecting low calories
Replace the word
select low-calorie
show examples
 and
high nutrition
Add a hyphen
high-nutrition
show examples
 foods
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more effective than doing
exercise
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Improve the clarity of your arguments by using more precise language and ensuring that each point is fully developed.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your ideas and clarify relationships between them.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a relevant opinion on the topic, showing that you understand the task.
Task Achievement
You provided some relevant examples that contribute to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: