IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people argue that it is natural talents makes a sportsman famous. Other believe that it is hard work. Discuss both the view with your opinion.

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There is no denying the fact that hard
work
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 can make everything possible to be a well-known athlete but it will be much harder than the
people
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 who have god-given
talents
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.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that god-given
talent
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 made an athletic person popular. there is
also
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 an argument that a hard-working person can be famous.
This
Linking Words
 essay will analyse
this
Linking Words
 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. on the one hand, a hard worker has a higher chance of becoming a sportsman famous.
In other words
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,
people
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 who tend to do nothing in life make it difficult to be famous or successful in general.
In addition
Linking Words
, there is a common thing among the hard workers, they tend to be disciplined and have good habits
for example
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, a recent study did an experiment
of
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on
show examples
athletic
people
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 who
work
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 hard and have good habits,
while
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 other groups don't have the habit that can reach him to be a popular sportsman. It shows that
people
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 who tend to
work
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 hard had approximately 40 per cent higher results than the other group.
On the other hand
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, natural
talents
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 make your
work
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 much easier than the
people
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 who
work
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 hard. It is possible to say that raw
talents
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 use less energy when they do their
work
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.
Moreover
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, in some cases, they can defeat the hard worker because they both have hard
work
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 and natural
talents
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.
For instance
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, Messi a footballer player who played with Barcelona has a natural
talent
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 and
also
Linking Words
 he worked really hard in his career compared to the other footballers who don't have the natural
talent
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 it can be difficult for them to achieve the things that they get. In conclusion, both natural
talent
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 and hard
work
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 play important roles in an athlete’s success.
However
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, I believe that hard
work
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 is more important because even the most talented individuals must practice consistently to stay at the top. Without dedication, natural
talent
Use synonyms
 alone is not enough to achieve lasting fame.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, ensure each paragraph seamlessly flows into the next by using more linking words/phrases to guide the reader. For example, use transitions like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' more effectively to connect ideas.
task achievement
While you present both viewpoints clearly, some arguments could be better supported with further elaboration or examples. For instance, when discussing studies, it would strengthen your argument to specify the source or context of the study for added credibility.
coherence and cohesion
In several instances, your wording could be refined for clarity. For example, 'hard-working person can be famous' could be rephrased to 'hard-working individuals can also achieve fame.' This can enhance your overall fluency and coherence.
task achievement
You effectively present both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced understanding of the topic. This is a key requirement for tasks that involve discussion.
task achievement
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your viewpoint while reaffirming the importance of hard work. It provides a strong closure to your essay.
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